Extended Saturday ...

8:00 a.m. - Report status?

Slept for 11 hours ... quite dead on Fri night, so slept from 9p.m. onwards ... all the way till the next day. Well, didn't feel like exactly a fabulous start ... just blagged my way through breakfast ... then home, bath, then slowly drove to 1-Utama (just to change from the usual Mid-Valley Megamall) ... and it does have a nicer parking system ...

Anyway, I think it was one of the Saturdays which I did quite a lot in a day, and quite surprising also that many unplanned things happened ... bumped into an old friend ... had some oreo smoothie (absolutely great taste & idea)

I like to relax with some light read, mostly Asterix & Star Wars comics at MPH ... then some lunch with work realted reads or MBA homework ... then back to MPH, then home.

Yesterday, I survived 2 hours of study (which is a lot since usually it's 60 minutes) before bumming into the BU-boyz HQ to head for dinner ...

So dinner ... not exactly my fav type of place & ambience, with expensive (& small portions) ribs with lots of kids running about ... in a seculded corner of Damansara ... but post dinner was good at Souled Out, a long chat for the former UPM gang ... yakking about past, present & future ... how to match the unmatchables ... to enrich the errr .... you know ...

But couple of beers later, we are all tired (rather using me as an excuse to get out) ... so headed home

12:15 a.m. - reached home ... everyone else asleep ... tomorrow? exams. Fabulous. But all studied & well thought. Time to meditate. Ciaoz people.

a mixed week indeed ...

This has been quite strange week for me.

In some ways, I have been thought of a lot ... in some ways, I have been virtually ignored.

Well, in any case, there has been some conclusions & questions hanging over me.

Just when I thought I had a breakthrough in my never ending search for a soulmate, comes another obstacle beyond my comprehension. Well, partly it's my fault anyway, I was told before that she cannot separate me from my work persona & my private identity ... but I thought I can manouvre out of that.

Guess that's the folly and hissy (history) now ...

Tried to ask her out ... she was reluctant, then when asking me on why I asked her out, I just said that after office hours, I am not Jason Teoh the producer, but Kah Keong, a human.

Now, comes the answer ... that in her mind, there's only 1 person, & it is Jason the boss. From here, I knew where I stood ... and she (as expected), asked me if I had something to talk to her about ...

Ah, here comes an answer in classic Jayteoh style ... "There's nothing to hear since the person who's supposed to say, does not exist in your mind".

I think at this point, this would be the best answer ... I have told before that I liked her ... I told her that me liking her is my private life, not me at work ... just to cut things professionally, but since she has blatantly dismissed this possibility, I know that my action simply throws the ball back into her court.

Whether we ever will come together, depends on her (ok, maybe also me that I don't fall for someone else soon), otherwise there will be "Jason Teoh the heartbreaker II".

That was Tuesday. Work was quite normal, work as normal, until Wednesday ... where someone unexpected dropped me a call ... asking to date me Monday (my birthday) ... so of course I am touched (& extra touched) ...

But due to an unexpected twist, we ended up going for a movie last night since we were the beneficiaries of free tickets to a preview ... and I was (so happy) treated to a dinner at Manhattan Fish Market (I just love the fish there)

It's one of the nice evenings spent with someone chatting about things that totally took me away from my work ... helping shop for glasses.

Aah, it's been a long time since I had such good company. That's what friends are for :)

a step at a time

It started with a "Is it convenient to talk now?" ... a typical Marcus Evans (actually Jason Teoh style) pitch in the MSN.

So, there we started a 90 minute chat and it's quite a lot of questions to know each other better & knowing what we are each about.

Somehow I guess it was good to let her know that I liked her without any emphasis, since she did not openly reject my interest, though she did stress that in her eyes, I am still her boss, even off working hours. But if I do like her, this is something I need to work on and it's gonna take patience. It's a good thing though, since she's quite clear about where she stands at this moment.

Let me write later my thoughts ... just got something stuck in my head right now.

Have a great start to your week!

Power of dreams ...

My horoscope today mentioned "You've got an uncanny ability to turn your dreams into reality, something you demonstrate time and again"

That draws me to this picture of me in Paris at Les Invalides ... always dreamt ot going to Paris in my childhood & somehow my persistence for an international lifestyle (somehow) led me to this opportunity to travel to Paris for free ...

the beautiful Anne Suzuki as Natsuki, the belle of the movie 

Jay Chou as Takumi Fujiwara, the shy & dreamy ace racer 

Initial-D ... cool movie

Fasten your seatbelts & enjoy the race (with good looking actress too)

I guess every hot blooded kid would have thought of 2 possible passions ... falling in love and the other would be the thrill of racing his vehicle on an above average speed ...

This is what Initial D is simply about ... car racing for young men with some love element in the movie, but most of the movie is about the rush in the racing stratosphere.

Jay Chou plays the main character ... the unlikely hero in the form of a reserved & dreamy kid, who's surrounded by a group of perky (actually loud, obnoxious & wannabe jokers) who talks the walk on racing, but when the real deal sinks in, it's Jay's character who walks the talk, by coolly (& I do mean it from his bored demeanour towards the entire race) racing his opponents off the track.

Takumi reminds me of my cousin who used to stay in my house ... guy of a few words, little expressions (but not the looks of Jay) ... and what I liked about this brooding character of Takumi is that, he's the boy next door ... he's not very initiative, not very expressive but with a good heart. Of course, the female lead (quite inclined to use the word chick, but my female audience often feels it as degratory) is hot ... and with the girl next door looks to match as well ... quite a sweet looking character.

The love part is kind of sad though, simple boy next door meets perky & sweet girl with dark past & uncertain future ... so, unfortunately the story ends with him choosing racing instead of her as he comes across her other side as a call girl.

Since I don't follow the Initial-D cartoon series ... I went to this movie with an open mind and I am quite happy with this watch ... and since there are 4 more in the installments, quite looking forward to the next one.

The good old days ... REVIVAL

The good thing about buddies is that they are always there for you, in sunshine, in boredom, in good laugh, or in cloudy times.

"wazzzzzzzzzzzzzupppppppppp?"

so, here's the roll-call for the infamous BS (Bukit Serdang) alumni when we call up each other ... so yesterday was one which I was bored ... no plans (left out actually) ... so I just dropped YL aka Polar Bear a call ...

(post wazzzup conversation)

watcha doing?

nothing tonight. watcha doing?

nothing. wanted to see wazzup? how about trip to bukit serdang?

cool with me. just round up the boys.

.... and the grand serdang trip was revived again ... in a matter of minutes. We just love it ... the good thick milo in ice ... better than anything else in the klang valley ... the delectable roti diana with smooth, thick & delicious mutton curry ... ABSOLUTELY heavenly!

oops ... gotta rush to movie, so write later my dear blog ... see ya!

Soul raiding ...

the universe is always in a state of yin & yang ...

Yesterday, just one of the days that started with promise & slowly faded into oblivion, but since it's Friday, I guess that's fine. Which takes me into ....

Today's thought ... about soul raiding ... and what the heck is that anyway?

I am not very sure myself ... but that is what I call the situation when the heart & mind cross the border that separates them ... which causes a lot of conflict, confusion & loss of direction in everyday life.

We all have wants in our lives (some probably irrational & maybe fantasical), but so are we guided by principles & ethics and probably logic, so we are basically talking about the heart & the mind which guide & shape the decisions & steps we take each time.

In times of conflict, there is seldom a full or agreeable solution without compromise (where compromise connotes sacrifice from both ends anyway). But as we know, logic mixed with the heart will be no longer logic (unless we take the 'science' of heart as a dimension of logic) and the heart, being guided by principles, goals and dimensions of logics cannot be fully heart because the heart was never a logical player anyway.

If I had a choice, I would spend the rest of my life waking up to sweet smell of mountain fresh air ... watching sunrise, jog along a nice jungle path & writing thoughts & travelling. But, that's a dream & like everyone else, I am just working my way up (or out actually) ...

So, here I am, putting myself into work ... putting my thinking cap on from the moment I enter office, all the way until 5:30pm (or more). But after that, I don't really care anymore ... just let go & be myself ... let go of all my work thoughts & wallow in myself ... happy, sad, angry, whatever.

What's the connection with soul raiding? (if there's any) Coming to that my dear ...

I just realized that I am fighting myself at the break of each day ... because my heart & my head tells me they want different things. If my heart could, it would rip me off what I am doing when I start to lose myself ... but as you might have guessed, my head would rather rip the heart out (actually it's the right brain since that dictates emotion, which would make head as left brain, but anyway) ... and get along with life and toil for defined success & prepare for a retired life of bliss ...

the funny thing is ... the head (sounds better than left brain) is all the while using logic to strive for a state of contentment in retirement & security ... which is all about heart ... and heart is about being happy (& sometimes selfish or ethical) ... which is for helping head balance off utilitarian dimensions ... but they are both fighting the same battle each day.

Sometimes, being knowledgeable, being experienced is not good ... it just makes us think too much ... won't it be better if life was simpler, we think less ... don't care about consequences, don't take things too personally or too deep into the heart? Won't it be easier if by not knowing more, we strive for less & (possibly) simpler aspects of life?

Would it be possible to erase the knowledge I have now to achieve that? or should it be that I simplify my wants & aim for the simpler & finer aspects of life?

And maybe it's just as simple as that.

Jay, the lost boy :)

I make mistakes, I'm just a man ...

Quoting Jon Bon Jovi, from his song "Always"

The song doesn't represent the situation, but I just like the words ... I make mistakes, I'm just a man ... but, just to put this on, let the tune sink in my head :)

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you, I could
If you told me to die for you, I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

the wait ...

some waits are eternity, some are breeze ... we never always get what we want ...

Right after my blog yesterday, I got a SMS ... "not free tomorrow, I have plans"

So, there goes my grandiose plan to pour my heart out ... and crushed as I felt ... tried not to take this personally.

And, me being me ... just shelled out the day like any other ... giving my usual dose of managerial guidance, sarcasm and aloofness ... and a lunch with my big-sister from Korea (though it's fun to know people thought I had hots for her ... she's 33 & I am 26, but that's another story altogether). The point is, just didn't try to get this into the way (& trying to be the oh-so-professional me that I always aspire to be) ...

But as I always like to say, I am human ... I can get sad, I can get demotivated, I can get heart broken ... so, when I sent out my SMS (same message again as yesterday ... asking for dinner the next day). But when I had no reply .... I grew anxious, just trying to think why I did not get a reply ... do thoughts that ran through my head was ... did I read the signs wrongly? did I assume too much? was I taking a too big step & risk? what have I lost at this moment due to my foolhardiness?

So, I threw in my moodiest look, ignoring people ... just bringing out the beast in me (oh, I just have the look which says, "disturb me & u die"). Just wanna sink & wallow away in my sorrow ... (sigh, I gotta stop benig a real sob storyteller ... sigh)

But, on the way back. ... I got the SMS I was waiting for ... "yes, I will be free on ... "

From this moment ... I guess I should not think too much now ... just go with the flow ... whatever happens will happen ... it's a risk ... but as they say ... luck only favours the bold ...

Discovery & patience

Monday, 18th July 2005 - A unexpected twist in the chase

the day ended like the rest of the Mondays (recently), which was laggard, uninspiring, but the night turned out to be something I did not expect ...

I finally got my hands on something I had been looking for sometime (even though I did not know how to read it) and fortunately, I had an online translator to help me get the entire thing washed into English.

Now, reading someone's blog might be normal, but this is someone I wanted to know more about and part of my "homework" which I pursued with most attention. The results?

If hearts brushing on each other can create sparks or murmurs, then I see that the series of passing by each other was not of small significance, but a lot of silent questions, confusionm, feelings & misses beneath the surface. I thought I was the only one thinking of the other but it seems like I was not the only one walking in circles, wondering if I should make my move, questioning my principles ...

Sherlock might have found the root of the case, but the solution is far from coming ...

But I should speak on an honest level about what I feel, I guess. Let me gather courage & seize the right moment, when it comes.

Hakka food ... interesting

Interesting & healthy
If there were to be any Chinese ethnic that has unique taste buds, it has to be the Hakkas ... a few years ago, I tasted for the 1st time, their 'salty tea' dish and that made quite an impression on me, since I have never thought of tea being served as salty ... with a good combination of vegetables (in huge quantity) without any meat in it (quite a good health food) ...

But since then, I have not really touched any Hakka food ... and as fate has it, food experiences always turn out in the most unexpected places (trust me on this, especially when I was in Europe, but guess that's another story altogether) ... so the story's quite short ....

So my friend, YL dropped me the usual, SMS & go plans over evening yesterday and after a couple of dashes here & there ... we hit the road for Cheras ... and into the unknown of not even deciding where to eat. Fortunately, we had DL, whose salesman forays enlightened us with a possible target of a place famous for charcoal fried Hokkien noodle (sounds delicious already) ...

So, the place's quite compact & buzzing with lots of people ... and we got a slightly exposed area in the drizzly evening weather but the rain stopped, so that's fine. The wait's quite long ... but the Hokkien mee was worth every second of the wait ... packed with aroma, prawns & lard in the slightly moist concoction ... simply, heavenly ... followed up by a safe bet in yin-yeong noodles. But the last one was a surprise, this Hakka soup noodle was something different ... the fat yellow noodles, in law mee style, but packed with cucumber, bird's eye chilli, onions, lime ... pretty much my idea of Hakka dish ... with piping hot thick soup ... simply a healthy noodle dish.

Would rate this place as an interesting place to go again :)

11 minutes ...

another masterpiece capturing the spirit of my weekend :)
I finished Paulo Coelho's "11 minutes" again ... 2 years after reading it 1st in Singapore.

Somehow, the essence of the story relates better now to me, than compared to myself then ... anyway, just to tell you more so you understand where I am coming from. So the story goes about Maria who journeys to Switzerland from brazil and after series of experiences, she becomes a prostitute in Geneva. She has been heartbroken many times & the story is about her journey of discovering the ultimate relationship & the value of one. It's quite a remarkable perspective coming from a prostitute but I guess who else better to have an idea about sexual pleasures anyway, right? And probably tell better about what is real love, I guess.

But, it's not her I relate to, it's more to Ralf, the hro of the story ... the knight in shining armour but suffering his own journey into discovery. To sum the story, it's essentially about the poor little rich prince who, although is a maestro of his galaxy, remain a child in his own world, seeking the soul mate who understands the heart of a child inside him ... and that's very much me, I guess. And what is the point of seeing the world, being tempted into a lot of worldly desires, when the simplest of pleasures it nowhere near to grasp or understand?

Anyway, I love Coelho's work, so I am again captured by his lyrical & magically threaded lore of real life people, seeking their paths in life. But, aren't we all that too?

Me minus you ...

Each day I learn, a little more about you
Then I know for sure, that I’d never wanna be without you
We're gonna stay so true to this relation
Me without your love is such a sad equation baby

~ Glenn Medeiros, Me minus you equals blue ~

1st week in Slovakia - at a local committee camp 

A lifestyle of the past ...

In my days of Singapore, my weekends there were somehow idyllic ... just lazing around the house, sleeping, reading, watching DVDs ... going out if I felt like it ... just going with the flow ...

Seems like a bygone era since coming back to KL, where I had the luxury of car, lots of friends & ultimately many agendas for the weekends. Singapore was ... different ... not so close friends as I have in Malaysia, don't feel that I belonged there ... knowing that time is a-passing chapter of this journey.

So today, was kind of similar ... woke up around 8am ... read the papers ... ate b'fast, watched DVD, lazed & surfed the net ... then some work ... but that's really all unti; now ... 6pm :)

I did think of going to the MPH bookstore, but just lazy to go out, don't feel well & don't wanna risk getting sick ... thought of washing the car, but what's the point of washing if it rains each day?

Think I did spend some time of the day to reflect, think of what I want, how was my week ... how about the people in my life ... taking a checkpoint ... would I be ready to go, if death swept upon me anytime soon?

Good questions. Just keep them coming & I keep life going.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend ... adiosz

New breath of challenge

It's quite amazing how things can change. But a boss' quick change of mood & agreement to my conditions ... kept me securing my next 4 months and also good idea of what's ahead for my career path. Also promised better support, which was what I wanted all along, so I have zero excuses to warrant a transfer

Now, as I look back, I just wistfully wonderd on how things would turn out if I did make a switch over to the sales department. ... probably a fresher challenge, a chance to make a personal move, which I wanted, but since that did not happen, I guess things will have to wait for a more suitable situation, when things come clearer or into the open.

Actually, I have not met anyone who shares so much parrallels with me, not since the 1st time I liked someone, in fact, she likes reading, would hang out the whole day in the bookshop (too bad she goes to Kinokuniya, whereas I go to MPH) ... similar taste for movies ... sarcastic humour ... quite a lot of other similarities, but as I mentioned earlier, being at the wrong place, wrong time ... consolation is, I think as cliche as it sounds, "She's the one!" (yes, here we go again)

Last night, I watched the Fantastic Four ... quite a good watch ... for the 1st time many years, probably the only superhro movie where the heroes have no alter egos ... what you see is what you get ... and quite light hearted actually. Actually, I am quite drawn to superhero movies because despite all the responsibilities, all the principles, all the power ... they are still human, they have feelings, they get sad, they get lost ... just like the rest of us all.

As quoted from the FF ... "Things don't have to be complicated, make them simple". Well said.

at the Eiffel 

Exploring other options

Change is the only constant in life but then again, humans are always resistant to change.

It's quite contradicting right? But then again, seems like I am a sucker for change ... as I explored my options within Marcus Evans ... had a long talk with the guy who got me into the company ... and we discussed at length about the possibility of a transfer into the sales department from my current domain of conference production.

One of the reasons I did this is because I am frustrated with some issues in my work as there was no avenue & angle to reason or justify them out, especially when I felt 'victimized' & 'left out' in several decisions lately by my boss.

I cannot find a direction for myself nor had they given me a concrete idea of what I am to become, achieve or go in the coming months. This uncertainty with lack of moral support for my current role has unnerved me with the consequence of conetmplation to leave.

Partly, I am quite restless because what I wanted to achieve within 16 months has been fastforwarded to 9 months, where I am in kind of limbo with no apparent personal drive of what to achieve anymore.

So, I hope to have my appraisal thrashed out soon, to clarify all these matters & settle (least for now) an agreeable outcome & plan for myself.

Out & over for today.

the MC day out!

I am not the type who has tons of different friends, where I have parties each week with many across town. Nah, I prefer that once in a while, I get together with my usual bunch of friends who have sincere fun & time together, enjoying each other's company ... which I do ... with my friends from the AIESEC national committee of my generation ... 4 years ago.

We have all moved into different paths but have been keeping in constant touch with each other. We hang out quite often & exchange updates often. This is a camaraderie which is rare & I guess we all treasure our company.

So yesterday, we went out for karaoke in the morning ... then met up again for a 'gala' steamboat party at our HQ (the house for one of us) ... and we enjoyed this occassion very much. The jokes, the catching up (just some news & bitching unsolicited comments).

We had some 'new' members lately (partners of our current group) and it was great to have them all in the 'family' or we borrowed the term from "Meet the parents" as ... 'the circle of trust' ... oh you know, we make them go through the blood brother ritual, cutting wrists, blood into a bowl, we all dirnk it (just kidding) ... well ... we are much more refined ... we just see if they can jive along with our jokes & sarcasm ... that's all :) ... candidates incapable of jiving have to be subjected to further evaluation & screening (just think of a certain French guy, ok?)

The next trip? we have talked about Kuantan ... which reminds me ... I need to check my calendar. Ciaoz

A time for change?

Have you watched horses? Or read the book on black beauty?

They would be one of the few animals which are in constant motion & yet, not just any motion, but significant & powerful strides. I picture the life of a horse as one that cannot accept a life in still ... not in a place ... not within a limited place. For a horse, the world is it's playground & would roam to all corners of it's limitations (until someone extends the size of that ground). I kind of relate that to myself because I see myself as a person who tried many things and in everytime I was in a place ... I tested all my possibilities until I felt there was nothing more to learn or when a better opportunity beckons.

In my past 5 years ... I have not stayed in a place for longer than 1 year ... however the only thing I stayed for quite a long time was AIESEC, which I actively gave my 5 years of my life living & breathing it. The others were in working positions from 3 to 12 months (the current one is 12 months & still counting) ... but we shall see.

I just had a long thought about my current situatin & I thought about the past months from the moment I joined until now. When I 1st joined, I benchmarked myself for a promotion within 16 months which was the office average then ... and so I thought that for one, I can let my heart settle down & be in a job to pass the 2 years barrier (just for once)

But as time went by & with progress ... everyone knew mine would be exceptional (we just didn't know how much) ... & true enough, I got mine in January 2005. In an events firm, career growth is always synonymous with company expansion & with that, nothing is quite certain, even when you are a conference director (CD). This, was something I didn't know at the start. Now, opportunity is one thing, but the uncertainty is something else which I found hard to grapple with. Politics which ousted my mentor & with more politics building around me is unsettling & I started wondering ... it's a funny thing about human jealousy ... even if you do everything with best intention, with nothing evil, people still dislike you & think of millions of small things to bring you down.

So, if most people think I am happy where I am now, I cannot say that I am totally ... the work place is like the arena of gladiators ... you fight off your opponent & hope you are aware of the advancing lion attaching you from behind. So, even if I had a moment of happiness & accomplishment, I had seconds to savour it before thinking of my next fight. Some small minions are always picking irritating fights with me and I just hoped one day I would just kill them off with a letter to sack them ... either that OR they finally succeed in convincing my boss to fire me.

The funny thing about humans is that we are never satisfied easily ... the moment we achieve something we wanted, the next would be to search for something even better next. Especially with horses such as myself.

Yesterday, I started wondering if I am still satisfied or getting bored with my work. Wondering if I am happy with where I am at now. Wondering if I could be happier elsewhere ... if my talents would be better appreciated & rewarded there?

Well, the grass is always greener than the other side but then again, luck only favours the bold.

The search for my next destination has begun but when & where & who ... is undecided. This might take a while & not as time bound as when I searched for a job previously.

In fact, I would love a month's sabbatical away from everything ...

Just don't care ...

Most people I know will agree ... that I don't really care about what people think especially when I feel my convictions are right & when I am not obliged to inform, comply or to make anyone happy beyond my rationale, principles &as some might see ... ego.

Today, my team mate told me that people were looking at me when I was explaining something to her ... and suggested that I was talking too loudly. Benig the usual me ... I just said ... "so what?" ... cause I was not bothered ... but later she mentioned that as a boss, I should set an example.

Well .. there was a point but it was not acceptable because the point was subjective ... I thought I was not wrong to be the way I was. In fact, I got to where I am today by being what I am ... doing what I do best, in the way I do best & since it has worked, I don't see any reason to comply with the whims, fancies & pleasing of others. I just don't suck up to others ... if you don't like me, make a complain & worst of all ... just sack me for all I care.

Anyway, I just joked about the possible notion of me leaving the company some day ... and there was silence. So, someone broke the silence & said ... I cannot imagine you going now ... we are still at a stage where we need you ...

ok, maybe I don't care. But someone goes. Here's my responsibility as senior.

Time to grow up

A lot of people like to think of me as someone very professional, a role model for others & basically a leader. Most of people whom I worked with, seem to have this impression ... which is not so true because I am human after all.

I am not someone who can hide his feelings well ... I tend to show in my expressions, though I would never tell people. The feelings simmer inside me, especially when I don't know how to express it or don't have anyone to talk to about it.

I think part of my problem is that I have a big ego ... and I am not ready to be face rejection. Have always played on the safe side, never taking risks ... and always taking things too personally. Part of the problem is I want things done the way I see it ... not ready to handle surprises.

Today, I faced a moment which I found unacceptable to my heart ... partly my fault for not declaring my feelings ... also filled myself with unecessary envy & jealousy. Bluntly ... I like this person ... I pictured the way I want her in my life ... etc ... it was kind of ... no, it was really selfish, as in I thought of only myself & what I wanted. She went out with someone, and that really bothered me ...

So, like my usual self ... I immersed myself in self pity ... did all the singing loudly .... thrashing out my feelings ... trying to find logic for my self pity. But this time, it's different. In the past, I would always take the easy way out by avoiding the issue, avoiding the person ... just to run away from the whole thing. Only, this time there was no running away, mainly because this will conflict with my principles ... I take pride in what I do ... I value my team, and I take care of them. I cannot risk my good team due to my own feelings. This is something that cannot be forced.

I realized now that I should be grateful for what I have. Be thankful for what I have now, the great team I have. Should not be so greedy for more & don't hope for too much. The show is not just about me. Not just about my feelings. Not just about what I want.

Give some space. Give some time. Give some encouragement. Believe in the power of fate & destiny, that there are things not in my hands. Love is not just about myself. It's always about hoping the person we love will be happy.

God give me the power to stand for the right & fight the wrong, and most of all, the power to tell the difference.

And I am only human ... not some strong person ... I have feelings, I can get sad, emotional ... lose myself.

Spring04 - In Paris

April 2003 - In Paris

You are worth it

"You think you know everything," I said, "that you know all about magic moments, the the inner child ... I don't know what you are doing here with me".

He laughed, "I admire you. And I admire the battle you're waging with you heart".

"What battle?"

"Never mind", he said. But I knew what he was talking about.

"Don't kid yourself", I said. "We can talk about it if you life. You are mistaken about my feelings".

He stopped fooling with my glass and looked at me.

"No, I am not mistaken. I know you don't love me."

This confused me even more.

"But I am going to fight for your love," he continued. "There are some things worth fighting for to the end."

I was speechless.

"You are worth it", he said.

I turned away, pretending to be interested in the restaurant's decor. I had been feeling like a frog, and suddenly I was a princess again.

By Paulo Coelho

In Hamamet, Tunisia  

Road in ME ... (so far)

(Continued)

Some of my crazy stunts ....
> there was a time when I walked around the office in slippers ... it only stopped when I got a serious advice from my big boss, Mr. Abidali Husseinali Dossa

> for an even longer time, I kept my sleeves rolled up (until I stepped up as senior producer)

> used to whistle when working ....

> I rejected my promotion ... (too bad I did not do that in my 2nd go), hahahaha

> I crossed dressed during the Christmas party last December

> I moved 3 times since I joined Marcus Evans (sat at 4 different places so far)

My happy moments ...

> receving my 1st wine bottle (monthly award) in September

> hiring my 1st staff ... the start of being a manager ....

> receving my 1st commission :)

> started to increase my office wear selection ... (well, not just blue & dark colours anymore)

> conducted my 1st training :)

> initiated my 1st program / conference by myself

The good news is, I seemed to be going SOMEWHERE in this company rather than HP. The bad news is that, while I am getting somewhere in my career, my love life is going nowhere; it's another continued series of hint & puns (not hit & run for sure) ...

Oh well ... what the heck ... just focus on my work :)

Looking back ... 1 year in Marcus Evans

In two days time, I complete a year in Marcus Evans. Looking back, I think the journey in here has been a blessed one ... 2 pay rises ... 6 conferences ... scores of new faces ... one subcontinent and one new boss later ... I am now senior producer.

At this point, I am quite happy to be where I am now ... the feeling's great and I am looking forward to my coming months with great anticipation. Some reasons why I am happy to be where I am now:

> receiving recognition ... I think Marcus Evans appreciates my contribution & commitment more than HP, with the progress & faith they have put on me so far, I guess I have a lot to prove, deliver & return to the company

> quite happy to be with the people in this company (though turnover is quite high) but ultimately people here are quite fast moving, exciting, fun & young. Of course I also enjoy the attention from my 'fans' as well ...

> trying out the challenge of management .... recruiting, training, teambuilding, coaching ... is really testing my capacity

> still surviving with my MBA programme ... almost completing my 1st year ...

> bought a car ... my cute kelisa ...

> left active AIESEC life

will write more later ... need my sleep ... zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz

May 2003 - My team, the National Committee of AIESEC in Slovakia 

April 2003 - A toast to the conference team, during the NPS 

introspection - Buzias, Romania 

Miracles

I took out this great stanza from the book by Coelho, it has a special message which we sometimes forget in our lives. Here's a thought for miracles in our daily life ...

You have to take risks he said. We will only understand the miracle of life when we allow the unexpected to happen.

Everyday, God gives us the sun - and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Everyday, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist - that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key into the lock, it may be hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seems the same to us. But that moment exists - a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

Joy is sometimes a blessing but it is often a conquest. One magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory, it leaves no permanent mark. And one day, we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.

Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps the person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back - and at some point everyone looks back - she will hear her heart saying, "What have you done with the minutes that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing these talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life?

Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have passed them by.

Paulo Coelho

Condensed From - "By the River Piedra I sat down and wept"

Courage

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though chequered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

Now ...

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand – and melting like a snowflake.

Marie Beyon Ray

ever had this feeling?

Someone mentioned before that I am a great friend, but bad when it comes to relationships. As described, I can be the best person someone can have in their universe until the moment I decide I have deeper feelings for them.

Until that moment, I just 'explode' ... just cannot keep myself in control ... just in a state of trance where I am just unpredictable ... being aloof ... sometimes ignoring the very person I wished to impress ...

My ex boss, who was like a big brother to me, mentioned in his last ddinner with me ... that I am a great companion, but just too shy with girls. Someone who cannot take rejection. And I guess that was the reason why he was always 'promoting' me to other people, cause he's just worried that I end up being single for a bigger part of my life (or probably forever?).

I am no longer the loose cannon whom I used to be, going always for what I want (usually without thinking), getting bruised for my brash actions (but happy for the sense of righteousness I perceived I got from them) ... as i step into more responsible shoes & thoughts, I have to always consider the consequence of my actions for people that I am responsible for.

It's often cliche-d that with great power come great responsibility, but I think the fine print reads ... with great responsibility, comes great sacrifice.

The ironic thing about life is ... we often fall in love when we are not ready to love, but when we are ready to love, we fall in love under challenging circumstances, often along the lines of responsibility.

There are a lot of things I wish to say, I mean, I want to. But, responsibility complicate matters a lot. Will I again be the sacrificial pawn in the game of love? Inevitable.

ever had this feeling?

Someone mentioned before that I am a great friend, but bad when it comes to relationships. As described, I can be the best person someone can have in their universe until the moment I decide I have deeper feelings for them.

Until that moment, I just 'explode' ... just cannot keep myself in control ... just in a state of trance where I am just unpredictable ... being aloof ... sometimes ignoring the very person I wished to impress ...

My ex boss, who was like a big brother to me, mentioned in his last ddinner with me ... that I am a great companion, but just too shy with girls. Someone who cannot take rejection. And I guess that was the reason why he was always 'promoting' me to other people, cause he's just worried that I end up being single for a bigger part of my life (or probably forever?).

I am no longer the loose cannon whom I used to be, going always for what I want (usually without thinking), getting bruised for my brash actions (but happy for the sense of righteousness I perceived I got from them) ... as i step into more responsible shoes & thoughts, I have to always consider the consequence of my actions for people that I am responsible for.

It's often cliche-d that with great power come great responsibility, but I think the fine print reads ... with great responsibility, comes great sacrifice.

The ironic thing about life is ... we often fall in love when we are not ready to love, but when we are ready to love, we fall in love under challenging circumstances, often along the lines of responsibility.

There are a lot of things I wish to say, I mean, I want to. But, responsibility complicate matters a lot. Will I again be the sacirficial pawn in the game of love? Inevitable.