Time to grow up

A lot of people like to think of me as someone very professional, a role model for others & basically a leader. Most of people whom I worked with, seem to have this impression ... which is not so true because I am human after all.

I am not someone who can hide his feelings well ... I tend to show in my expressions, though I would never tell people. The feelings simmer inside me, especially when I don't know how to express it or don't have anyone to talk to about it.

I think part of my problem is that I have a big ego ... and I am not ready to be face rejection. Have always played on the safe side, never taking risks ... and always taking things too personally. Part of the problem is I want things done the way I see it ... not ready to handle surprises.

Today, I faced a moment which I found unacceptable to my heart ... partly my fault for not declaring my feelings ... also filled myself with unecessary envy & jealousy. Bluntly ... I like this person ... I pictured the way I want her in my life ... etc ... it was kind of ... no, it was really selfish, as in I thought of only myself & what I wanted. She went out with someone, and that really bothered me ...

So, like my usual self ... I immersed myself in self pity ... did all the singing loudly .... thrashing out my feelings ... trying to find logic for my self pity. But this time, it's different. In the past, I would always take the easy way out by avoiding the issue, avoiding the person ... just to run away from the whole thing. Only, this time there was no running away, mainly because this will conflict with my principles ... I take pride in what I do ... I value my team, and I take care of them. I cannot risk my good team due to my own feelings. This is something that cannot be forced.

I realized now that I should be grateful for what I have. Be thankful for what I have now, the great team I have. Should not be so greedy for more & don't hope for too much. The show is not just about me. Not just about my feelings. Not just about what I want.

Give some space. Give some time. Give some encouragement. Believe in the power of fate & destiny, that there are things not in my hands. Love is not just about myself. It's always about hoping the person we love will be happy.

God give me the power to stand for the right & fight the wrong, and most of all, the power to tell the difference.

And I am only human ... not some strong person ... I have feelings, I can get sad, emotional ... lose myself.