I beg to differ ...

A friend upon breaking up says, “I think I still love her.”, but is this love? Can't live without the other person? I think this is purely emotional dependency.

When one falls in love as a loving adult instead of as a needy, one’s need for the relationship is totally different. One would have learned how to fill oneself with love and define one’s worth. This fullness overflows and one would want to share this love with another person. To share love rather than to get love …

When one pick from one’s wounded self (emotional dependency), this person who wants to get rather than share love will eventually find themselves in disappointment. He/she will blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming other for their unhappiness.

Someone once told me to learn to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be "in love" rather than "in need." You will be able to love another person for who he is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it.

This stuff above is written by an acquaintance … let's not divulge who, shall we?

While it’s really NONE of my business to butt in … I just cannot help share some thoughts with my friends.

When I fall in love … I want to take away some poles of independence from myself. I would want to be loved & love in return. I would be lying if I said I don’t want to be loved. Unabashedly, I think there’s nothing wrong to be a little selfish when I love. I would want my partner to be on my side when I am most down & need her most. In return, I will give myself to fulfil her wants too. Of course not all the time it can happen for both ways, but as much as possible & that’s what I think being in a relationship (for me) is for.

While I respect this author’s views & needs … I am totally on the other side of the hyperbole … and you know what? I’ve always told friends & family that who I am in work & outside it, are 2 different people.

Yes, let’s talk all about responsibility & taking ownership, yada, yada, yada .. cause in work … I can be all that & more. Let’s be idealistic & professional cause that’s what my worth is.

But love is not meant to be all these black & white stuff … it’s all about shades of grey. I can be understanding, but I also seek understanding. I want to be less rational … I want to be more expressive …

Pardon my language (or difference of view), but screw this serious stuff about taking responsibility for ownself, I want to be responsible for my partner’s feelings, self worth & unhappiness. As the good book says, for better or for worse … and DEFINITELY NOT, for me, myself & myself ONLY.

And when I am in love, I am my lady’s most dependable partner, I will be there in your hour of need & calls, and I am also not ashamed to call when I'm in need … I am comfortable with the fact that she needs me & I need her.

All this about giving love for the joy of it is for saints & counsellors. That’s oh-so honourable. But I am NOT a counsellor. And I am NOT a saint. I am JUST Jay.

Ps. Surely I will love my lady for who she is. And for sure not love her for what she can do for me because it’s more than that … and because she completes me. Love’s not a black & white dictionary … it is a canvas painted with the colours of life.

[Play the song, ‘From this moment’ please … thank you]

It's gonna time ... whole lot of precious time ...

When I read up in the papers about loving couples who live up to 90s & are still madly in love with each other just like it was more than 70 years ago, I just ponder in awe & wonder.

Don’t blame me cause I’m the 20-something guy (ok, almost 30) in a dysfunctional society of today with a lot of … not sure how to say it … erm … fake, noooo (too direct, huh?) … just can’t find a word for it today. What I meant to describe it was …it’s too ‘on surface’ … too thin skinned … not deep enough kind of love, and sometimes, too idealistic.

By 28, I’ve seen many divorces, countless breakups and infinite debates on how love should be; 3 divorces, 1 marriage by accident, 5 infidelities, 3 bankruptcies … people sleep with others, people get 2nd wives .... all acts of taking the easy way out

How do these couples make it? I would like to believe that back then, life was very simple … and people didn’t need that much to live a life … people don’t work so much, people spent more time with family … maybe more time to iron out things & grow together. Perhaps this is not what I see now. Maybe they were simpler, perhaps they were more god fearing than most denizens of today ...

People just don’t talk anymore do they? I know I’m guilty for bring one of them … I don’t really like to talk about what I think inside or what I feel … it just takes too much effort to … reach out?

Spouses work, they get home, they got a lot of housework, they get tired by the time they have some spare moments … and that’s it for the day. So the question is … a ME time … or an US time? Let’s not even bring kids into the equation, shall we?

Some couples know the smart thing … they prioritize US time … from work or to some extreme, have no kids; no kids man more US time. Tough love, maybe. But better that than having kids strain more time out of each other.

Interestingly, happiness has become more material … the bar of safety nets have increased significantly, mainly because the quality of life has gone up over the years. 50 years ago, a decent house in town, with a TV, car & manager job would have been enough to live a wholesome family life. Now, a decent house in town costs a bomb … TV without Astro is NOT TV … and a car? Better be more than the Kancil, a poor man’s wheels. So we all work our ass off … but in the end, are we happy even if we had all that? Most people I know start workin for more … like enough for an overseas holiday each year … and that becomes tricky when the kids start rollin in. But they don't admit it ... and most tell me, 'hey, i'm just being realistic'.

IS it? But in most of my observations ... love just gets lost in the equation ... it's like an infinite mathematical fomula for the money making machine (which doubles as a love killer)

It’s just like a whirlpool, doesn’t it? You just get sucked deeper into the web of life … day by day …

Question is … do you even stop to enjoy & live a life you have? A warhorse workaholic would brush this off as loser babble … a romantic would embrace this deep into his psyche. But a realist like me would like to think that taking time off then and again, is the essence of living a life. Yes, I fight for my dreams, but I should also harvest the fruits of my labour & enjoy them with people in my life.

And perhaps (with a twinkle in my eye), get remembered as man who has given his heart & life to making his family get far, with love, dedication & passion.

It’s gonna patience, a whole lot of precious time.

It’s gonna take patience & time. To do it right.

I’ve got my heart set on it.

Sincerely.

Insidious or inside-us?

Now, I'm not a big fan of politics as dabbling in it can be messy, depressing ... but I do try to keep tabs on it (whether my source is credible or not is inconsequential as I play no part & read them in leisure) ...

I read this site called, Malaysia Today ... and here are some interesting articles ...

• Umnoputera Versus Bumiputera?

The big hoo-ha about bumiputera equity in Malaysia

• All are equal, but some are more equal than others

This one parodies Malaysia to Animal Farm ... funny. But whether you take it seriously is another matter. And here comes in the part ... are the articles in this website insidious or merely reflecting what's 'inside us'?

Whichever it is ... definitely not very encouraging or positive ... most people who read MT become depressed ... it has a lot of conspiracy theories on what's going on behind the corridors of power in Malaysia. Alas, even if they were true ... what can someone as normal as you & me could do?

As I've always told people .... if you don't like Malaysia (for socio, economic, political or whatever reasons) ... move away; migrate. Even so ... having stayed overseas myself ... each place is a package deal ... there are some things better, but also some things worse ...

No end & no conclusion in this debate. Just take a stand & continue living.

Me in the Star

I came out in the papers recently ... my reporter fren, PL interviewed me about investments ... so you can see from the article below. Only thing ... 1 part was slightly mis-quoted ...

"Properties are good umbrellas for a rainy day. If there is an emergency, I could sell them off"

Property in (only) GOOD LOCATIONS can be good umbrellas ...

But surely I cannot sell them off during an emergency ... the time taken for the money to come in could be months ... so this part was not rightly what I meant ...

B U S I N E S S

Monday October 9, 2006

Low rates make investors turn to other avenues

MALAYSIA is deemed to have one of the highest savings rates in the world. The Department of Statistics said that for the first quarter of this year, gross national savings were 39.7% of gross national product (GNP).

Last year, the savings rate was 37% of GNP compared with 37.3% in 2004.

Besides provisioning for rainy days, what does an average Malaysian do with the additional money of, say, up to RM50,000?

Based on the feedback from several individuals interviewed by StarBiz, stocks and properties remain the favourite investment options.

According to 28-year-old Chan Wan Hong who works in the corporate finance department of a local banking group, the present fixed deposit rates are not attractive and lower than the inflation rate.

Shares and properties, he said, offered higher upside potential despite their higher levels of risks.

“I believe in diversification and not putting all my eggs in one basket. In case of a stock market slump, I can still depend on my other investments,” he added.

Chan prefers to take charge of his own money instead of “putting them into somebody else's hands” such as buying of unit trusts.

“Unit trusts are for those who do not have time to monitor the stock market. Since I do keep abreast with the market, I'm able to manage my own funds,” he said, adding that the unit trust management fees were high.

Corporate events manager Jay Teoh also invests in properties and shares.

He said the appreciation and rental returns could be very high for properties in the right locations.

“Properties are good umbrellas for a rainy day. If there is an emergency, I could sell them off,” he said.

He added that to purchase a property only required a deposit and if the rental was higher than the monthly instalment, “somebody would be paying for the property for you.”

Teoh said stocks selection was based on recommendations by various brokerages as well as research into specific industries.

“I also look at the shareholdings of the company. When a reputable fund holds a significant stake, it shows confidence in the company,” he said, adding that compared with the stock market, “property is still safer.”

An accountant at a foreign accounting firm said she placed her money mainly in unit trusts and investment-linked insurance.

“In terms of rates of return, unit trusts have a better record than banks. Since I have no time to monitor the stock market or specific counters, unit trust is the next best option for me,” she said.

As for opting for insurance, she said the product offered “room for appreciation and flexibility” compared with conventional insurance policy.

“After covering myself with the basic protection, I found the investment-linked policy was quite worthwhile,” she added.

She also has some exposure in real estate investment trusts (REITs) instead of choosing to buy a property herself.

“The cash outlay and liability of owning a property is rather high compared with REITs.

“Besides, REITs allow me to have an exposure in the commercial property market, which I would not be able to do as an individual,” she said, adding that her investment was focused between three and five years.

D. Nair, a manager with Accenture Malaysia who started investing during his college days, said property investment was the most effective in terms of generating returns.

“Even though it is a long-term investment, the appreciation value and the rental returns have been very positive so far,” he said.

He recently withdrew from the stock market, given the lack of time to monitor the performance of shares.

He also invests in unit trusts and investment-linked insurance.

Next week: Investment options for those with up to RM500,000.

Alyssa’s wedding …

I almost don’t write about my course mates from MBA, so this would be a short one … at least about the person whom I’ve worked the most times during the past 2 years in class …

Alyssa has been in the same class as me in the 1^st semester & many other times later … and back then, we were the youngest in class … and she being the proactive & warm personality, talked to me 1^st in class … when I was the Mr. Cool sitting in my corner happy with being myself …

She’s the one who initiated those workgroups that prepared for final exams … she’s the one who gets people together … instantly the natural leader & buddy for others. I’m the total opposite, the quiet one, but speaking when my opinion is asked … more of the lecturer’s pet …

Anyway, I’m the one who helped provide info for most of the time since she’s away for many times in Europe, when her company sent her there for months … and she’s the crazy person who went only for the final exams & doing her assignments from faraway … so her perseverance is quite admirable …

It was a nice surprise when she dropped me a call out of the blue … and I thought, haha, what’s it this time? So when she said it was her wedding … I was like … wow! That’s great … yes, I’ll be there … congratulations again!

When I went there … I knew no one & there was no one else from MBA class … so it was strange to be somewhere new & feel awkward. Most people say that because I’m a conference guy … so I meet people all the time … so there should be no issues. Almost true, except that my work persona & off work are contrasting beings … I almost shun publicity and I’m quite lazy to have a go at small talk, getting to know people …

So, I’m seated at this table where everyone else has a partner … and we all don’t know each other, so everyone talks to their partner all the time …EXCEPT for me … the guy without a partner … classic dumb ass me …

What would a dum dum like me do? Message to WY, played some Snake … spending all the time on the phone, except when the MC had something interesting …

So right after picture taking … me thought it’s time to go … and meet up my buddies at BU … so hasta la vista …

And Alyssa … have a great honeymoon … see u at convocation!!!!

House of glass

A gust of cold winter wind swiped my cheeks …

Just another cold evening in blustery Bratislava. Snow slowly dusts my shoulders with specks of whiteness. Most people would have thought of nice warm dinner back home. Not me.

From moment to moment, I drift away in thought … and in those seconds, my mind flew to my homeland. Its midnight now. She must be sleeping since its 1am now. Ah. But it was only hours ago we chatted before … but fond memories does lead my mind back to her.

Months ago … I left … without saying goodbye … without saying I was in love with her … why? Just me I guess. All my weird theories of reverse psychology … trying to avoid the pain of a long distance relationship. But in truth, what exactly am I building?

Ok. Bus’ here … step on it. Aaah. Some warmth … at last. Strange though because it was then I thought … why not enjoy the cold more since this would be my first & last winter here. Fickle me, she would say that. See, can’t get you out of my mind huh?

Wow, time flies … just a couple more blocks & I’m home. Was the bus fast? Naw, Slovak transportation is so accurate to the minute … it’s impossible. Just me & my thoughts.

Maybe I should stop at the supermarket 1^st. I’ve breakfast already but I crave bacon & eggs. In truth, it’s one of the simple pleasure I enjoy with my meager allowance … but then again, I feel content …

My turn to pay? Here you go, 100 Korunas …

Walking home … it’s not too near, it’s not too far … and waiting for a bus can get me home faster than walking, but just an impulse. Haha. I’m here living my dream & I should enjoy every moment of it … but why am I here? Does this journey have a meaning?

The building I walk by … it’s so dull … so unpretty compared to Malaysian buildings … but I know that beneath these walls, are people with warm hearts that lead perhaps more sincere & simpler life than many Malaysians I know. So much less of … pretence …

What’s this thought leading to? I love the life here … but still sometimes, it lacks some good stuff that only Malaysia has. Here I go again. Fickle & idealistic.

Home. Dinner … heated up. TV … nothing but MTV … there’s Mission Impossible, but in Slovak … sigh … choices. MTV then …

That’s it. My mind’s full of questions … but to dwell on the future is a futile exercise … but one thing is clear … rather, one question holds the key … are all the things I do now piling of foundations for the future … or just of house of glass … my delusions, my purchased deceit … foolishly daring to dream?

Mmmm … house of glass … my last thoughts before I succumbed to slumber …

Purpose & empowerment

How does it feel to wake up & to straight away think of ending the day at 5:30pm instead of starting it off at 8:30am?

It feels really shitty … cause you just dread the passing moments until the bell rings … it’s just like the student who hates class & prays that perhaps the god of time will impatiently turn the hands of time to the end …

Well … I’ve said goodbye to that a little while ago … and now I am welcoming an old feeling which I lost a long time ago …

The feeling that gives you the springy walk that slenderly conceals the excitement within … the feeling that gives you the MOJO, the smoothness to articulate points to the point of art & it just naturally draws attention from people …

At 9pm today, I was rhapsodizing passionately about my work … the great dreams, ambitions & potential that I breathe … and at that moment, I think it’s a defining moment … because I am in love with life … with myself once again … when I looked in the mirror, I don’t see the me that struggled with my identity anymore … not the guy who won’t even bother using his brain for work after 5:30 … this is no longer work … this is a dream, this is a purpose …

Infused with belief from others vested in me … I know who I am … I am proud to be who I am … I am proud to be living for a dream I had … I am proud to be starting something new that will not just lead people, but be a light & aspiration for them as well …

WY asked me last week … if I were to die tomorrow, would I feel accomplished? My answer?

YES. I’ve put in my best … I’ve given my best & sincere thoughts to people … I bear little malice … and that’s the way it should be. Maybe not done all the things I want to cover in life … but for sure, moving towards my dreams. And most of all, help light the beacon of dreams for others.

Such is my purpose in this lifetime.

First day ...

Doing something new is always full of uncertainty … but it’s been a while since I’ve felt excited being part of new things … and going to work was a refreshing change … I don’t remember feeling this rush of excitement as I started my PC, looked out of the window & seeing the view of Jala Damansara, meeting new people … think the last time I felt so excited was when I joined Marcus Evans more than 2 years ago …

I’m starting a new role, something new in my company, I’ve been calling up some references, some acquaintances, trying to put in the links to set things up. And I realize that being in a previous position that gives me too much room to think , too little space to act … can make me depressed because I spend the time overanalyze , which I don’t now because I realized there’s so much to do … so much to build up in a short space of time …

Contacts … suppliers … media … all the works.

The excitement of venturing into something new … to be a pioneer … to be part of a vision … and that’s what driving me as I wake up today.

What’s for today? Recruitment … meet more suppliers … so it’s gonna be another long day.