the lull before the storm

Life has been good lately ... enjoying my 1 month solitude from study ... having most of my weekends out , doing what I won't do if I had to study ... and I am bracing myself for this killer semester of 3 subjects .. looks a lot but guess I will survive it ...

Last weekend was cool ... out for another round of karaoke, belting out songs (I sang a bit more than normal) ... then heading to the hills, at a resort where we spent the night .. chit chatting ... having drinking games ... and a mega steamboat party ... where our loud noises broke the quietness of the lonesome hills surrounding us.

Work has (on the other hand), taken a twist ... the workload has increased by a lot and suddenly, I don't even have time to even think or worry about stuff ... they just keep coming and coming and coming, that I don't even need to think about what's next, just keep moving & hoping I will survive

And for twists, some people just appeared into my life again ... a former protege who got absorbed into another world, now seeking logic (the way I see things) ... an unknown guy offering me a job ... and a couple more ...

at some points, I just kept wondering ... what is life now? seems to go into a predictable flow of stuff ... not very exciting as what it seemed to me earlier. Is it because I am too used to changing jobs each year? Feeling claustrophobic already in the organization? What I think I am really scared of is, that I don't get sucked into a monotone vein of life, where as cliche puts it, happily ever after. I got a lot more to achieve, a lot more crazy things to do ... a lot more places to see, a lot more people to meet and ultimately a lot of footprints of my life to be imprinted in others.

Guess this is just a horizontal plane ... momentarily until things take off again ... till then ... just enjoy the work .. the good life with friends ...

Time, space & distance ...

Time, space & distance are sometimes the best medicine for the soul.

Life gets better when we let go. It's probably accepting the fact that we can only do so much sometimes, and moving on is probably better than sitting down & cry.

Do you remember the last time you chased something which ended as an unconcluded race? Chasing something that wasn't there to chase in the 1st place ... an illusion?

I just did that, not too long ago. As the story goes, just for unrequited love, which ended with scarred hearts, with-held tears and surprisingly ... relief that everything is over, no more suspense, no more pain in waiting ...

But now, life's coming back to me in full force ... when I just leave the hard stuff behind, facing the facts and fighting for things which are possible to fight for.

Life's strange in the sense that when the more you search for something, the more it eludes you but when you don't seek it, it comes to you. Is it really? Contradicting in the sense that opinion can differ ... if we don't fight for something, there's no hope in the 1st place.

Ironic (again).

Anyway, life's quite good now because I am not too fixed on anything, just going with the flow, and making the best of what comes along. Think this can be fine until I start to itch for challenges again.

Hahaha, until then :)

Checkpoint ...

End of another era ...

8th August 2005. It's amazing that the year has progressed so fast, so fast that I wonder if time is of essence anymore?

1 promotion, 2 heartbreaks, 3 depressions, 4 MBA subjects & countless challenges later, since 1st Jan 2005, I sit here wondering because for the 1st time, I clearly started wondering what this year so far has been about? Clearly, for the first time in the past 5 years, I had been so busy & preoccupied with life & work ... that not much time is sunk into evaluation & thought.

So, as I thought perspectives over, I know that at times of the year, I felt lost, not in control, uncertain of many things (including the future), frustrated and depressed ... the spurts of joy & happiness were enough to keep me alive but just.

Come to think of it, the past 13 months of my life was all about settling down to life & career. The package of course includes the unsettling feeling of settling down ... and it's hard to explain, but when living a life of a nomad, it's all about living life at the present to the fullest because tomorrow's uncertain ... in fact, each day's a new variable & the beauty of it is that if it's sucky, we can walk away with no commitments.

And now, I understand for the 1st time why I am so depressed ... I have commitment not just to investments, education & liabilities, but also to people in my work ... people who depend on me each day. In fact, it is hard to go through any decision without consideration of resulting consequences. So, as much as I would love to just take off at will ... guess it's all chained up somewhere.

And back to my question ... I guess time is always of essence, just a matter of how much we value it. Looking at achievements, probably everyone's right that I should be more grateful for where I am today cause not everyone can do what I have done (althought there's always someone better isn't it?).

Probably also that I lost some precious moments due to my depression but like the story of the woodcutter & his axe, there must be times to stop & sharpen if we are to scale greater heights.

So, my conclusion? The year has been kind to me ... a lot to be thankful for ... good health, great friends & family, mostly fabulous colleagues, MBA moving along fine and

And if old grouchy & sensitive old me can get a grip of my damn ego & complexity, (and stroke of luck) I just might find a right soul mate (if PL can do it, so can I)

So here's the end of my swinging era :P

Contrasting fortunes within a week ...

All's well, ends well ...

To be honest, this week has ended in the most unexpected twists, turns and pressure, which when I look back, was quite an amazing one in fact.

Things started by clearing up my current love chase, which ended with a straight up answer of that I am not the right guy and there must have been some misunderstanding about feelings. Ah, I am thankful things are cleared up; I feel really free at this moment, not chained to an unknown & uncontrollable force (sometimes disguised as love but usually deceived as misunderstanding). Think I am more mature in facing this nowadays ... my turnarounds have been swift over the past years ... and the trick is always to turn disappointed energy towards new possibilities instead of wallowing in the pits of emotion, sadness, self-pity & over-indulgence. So, anyway ... I celebrated my 'freedom' over a rocked up car ride wracked with loud-thumping music ... just shouting my lungs out :) And treating myself to a DVD movie over the evening. Sweet.

Work is another thing ... while enjoying elation of praise for excellence (over something I deemed as peasantly effort) ... I got clobbered by boss over her misunderstanding, which grappled me with fear and shake for a few minutes, only for her to realize her folly and apologize ... all in the space of 10 minutes over the phone. Geez ... at this rate, my lifespan will decrease significantly. Yikes!

The funny thing about life is that, just when you think you are in the ultimate shit, there's bound to be another poor soul who's sunk deeper into the pit than yourself.

So, M dropped me a sms ... "Uncle, feel depressed, free for dinner?". And I thought why not (although picking someone up at an unknown location took a bit of challenge), so hopped over ... had a good chat & thrashing about these problems, which were bits of work & personal hiccups. Well, didn't exactly solve all, but I guess most people in trouble just need to bounce their thoughts off others, for a listening ear ... helping them find the road ... and probably it's as simple & noble as that.

And I do feel better after talking to people myself.

So, Saturday ... some spring cleaning, going through my old stuff ... then off for a movie marathon ... watching Romasanta (werewolf movie) and the Island. Romasanta is not as flash as the Island (which had Ewan McGregor & Scarlett Johansson) but it's probably the most realistic potrayal of a werewolf so far yet and it's very much about simply a wolf in a human mind & not the stereotyped man morphing into a beast.

The Island was thought provoking, quite real, possible and classy insight about the survival instinct in each of us. Would it be ethical if we clone a copy of ourself, but that being's purpose is to die when I need part of 'him' for myself? Should his life be in my hands? Just a thought, but at this point, all left to politicians to decide.

Yesterday was topped by dinner with old UPM friends, and it's very much chit chat about work, yesteryears, tomorrow and some drinks to health. Quite tired but satisfied after a long day.

Picture for today ...

Paris, Spring 2003 - At the Eiffel Tower

I like this picture, mainly because it's real, it happened, and not many of my peers can say the same that they did it, without a cent from their pocket. Dreams can come true if you believe in the power of them.

a boy's birthday

Another year passes by ...

From yesterday, accolades started to roll ... and it's birthday wishes all the way from friends ... and today, it didn't start rolling until 12pm when my designer, Mr. D dropped by to wish me (but I just thanked him & shushed him cos I wanted to avoid attention).

So, I chilled around until lunch time, when I started to realize, damn ... the people who asked for my birthday were fakes cause they never really remembered ... so, I just went out to buy lunch with my usual gang (who forgot as well)

So while I was chewing on the last bits of food ... one of my girls dropped a bombshell ... "Jason, are you free to talk?" and it didn't look good cause her face was serious (it better not be something shocking) and a thousand thoughts rushed over my head. Quitting the job? finally figured out what she thought? Too many possibilities in the 15 second walk to the room.

Well ... she took me to the meeting room which had a cake with candles waiting for me ... and i gushed (yes, been sometime since I did that)

Well .. I was kind of stunned cause I actually forgot that I had to blow the candle after the song, so I just stood dumb just after making my wish. Actually, was dumb because I was wishing for something which I know would be hard to happen ... just wanted to know what's in someone's mind about me. Sigh.

Anyway, after people saw the cake, I got my wishes, though I know who actually remembered my birthday & celebrated with me.

But anyway, so went by the day ... and people asked me if I had any plans? Well ... not anything, since my love life has not blossomed, so my obvious destination was ... HOME SWEET HOME :)

Dinner at home was good ... mum cooked me nasi bryani and curry chicken :)

PS. oh, on another note ... my bro & sis called me ... so I told Mr. Ed ... the next time u come home, please specifically tell allocate a time for mum & dad, tell them & ask them to spend that time with you before you zoom off to your girlfriend's place. Otherwise, he's gonna cause me to listen to a week of them lamenting their 2nd son ignores then when he's home.