How do you break a heart?

Jason teoh, the heart breaker? Let me add that to my 'accolades'.

But before that, let me say that "it would be absolutely amazing to know what people really think inside their heads".

Story is simple ... I met up with someone I used to like very much, to catch up a few days back. The irony in this hot-cold relation is that at most stages (except the initial) ... feelings & reactions were never mutual. In the past 19 months of this friendship, I had left her in the cold where she called me up, after 11 months and 8 months of gap. (well, hopefully u see what I mean by un-mutual feelings) Actually, I already 'moved on' from her from the moment I left for Slovakia2 and a half years ago.

It's absolutely amazing that she contacts me during important turning points of my career ... so I do admit I am more cranky and direct than usual, but never with any malice (oh yes, I am an angel ... hehehehe) ... just maybe, more cold than the usual me.

I don't have a problem having long & old friends. Just that, I am not good at keeping them ... as a person who lives in the present. The sentimental me died ... a long time ago. But anyway, back to the story ... it's the same thing everytime we meet up .... like trying to make things sound like they were 2001, but things have changed ... I mean I have changed.

9:20 p.m.
So, the conversation that night was quite brief ... mainly because I did not have a lot to talk (my mind was raging about my career thoughts) ... questions were like the usual ... what's going on? what are you doing? still chasing dreams? but probably she was more emotional (ok, I give credit that people change & maybe she has in that 8 month period) ... seemed like she had something that she wanted to let out ... (in the end she did not)

questions ... do I have any girlfriend yet? how's studies?

oh, I have no life ... just work, study & family ... what girlfriend? what relationship? I am quite focused on my career and if someone wants to come into my life ... it has to go my direction.

that was the clincher ... silence for a while. Then she started asking me what I think about her ... etc.

10:20p.m.
After some small talk, I thought I was done with the night ... not in the mood for small talk and I need my sleep.

So, in the car ... she asked a golden question .... "Jason, have u ever told anyone what you feel about them?"

"Depends, not always"

"ok, can u give an example?" (uh-oh ... that was a wrong question ... rather ... u asked for it babe)

"I can ... how about you?"

Probably lit her up, maybe she was waiting for this the whole night ... finally I will answer her once & for all.

"well ... I never told you ... cause the problem is with me ... and I never wanted to start anything with anyone, when I went overseas ... I did like you very much, but that was the past. And I changed ..."

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"No, the problem is me ... and I know now I want to focus on my career"

(Good timing cause we arrived at her place) She was (or looked) quite stunned probably because she did not expect this twist in events ...

"well ... er ... ok ... see you, maybe meet next time" (quite a quick exit ... but I thought maybe give credit that long-winded people do change)

So, I thought this chapter would be over (until she drops me a call again some next year or so I thought?)

So, 24 hours later ... I got an sms when sleeping ...

"Dearest Mr. Jason Teoh, Thank you for all your comments last night. I disagree about all the horrible things you said about me.; I am not all you said. you just caught me when I was in a blur state. Real friends don't say things you do. I am not that softhearted as you said and I will prove it with my success. Stop saying you wish to be the best because the best are humble people. Repent. And oh, good luck with you life":

My comments:

> reality check, YOU asked for my comments babe
> I have always been like this, why suddenly say all these? were you being an untrue friend all this time?
> if I want to be the best, that none of your business if you dislike it

> the message is not her style, must be written by someone else, another person with more bombastic vocab
> give her credit to write such sms (it was bloody irritating cause she broke it into 4 sms(es) ) and this was then I was sleeping ... good timing and she took 24 hours to formulate her reply

Conclusion?
I think I broke a heart but then again ... can I say she asked for it? Maybe it's safer to say ... I could have not mentioned what I did? Probably.

Marriage? Kids? Think again!

Sitting next to Praveen in work is not good for a psyche of a guy without a serious relationship.

He's married and he tells me daily about his Jekyll & Hyde marriage with both extremes of bliss and being drive up the wall by his wife ... sweet Amisha. The battles to 'lose' ... the life of living with anothe woman full time (trust me, she does not pamper u like your mum does)

ok, so for now ... I am really taking myself into the shade about relationships ... just focus on work .... hahahha

and my cousin's kid had a 3 hours of howling for his mum, who left him at my house ... but anyway, he was not the 1st kid to crawl up my skin (oh, there he goes again ... sigh) ... and I cannot stand kids who cry ... I will just stare at them and ask them to bloody shut up (works for ages, 3 and above ... those who understand authority and fierce looking strangers)

So kids? Big NO-NO ... not for a while yet ...

Jay - Career Consultant

Maybe it's my tough & direct feedback ... maybe I have some big bro aura ... or just maybe people love sarcasm ...

Whatever it is, for the past 8 months, I have done a lot of feedback to friends & colleagues about where they are, where they want to go and ultimately how to go about it. The BIG 'C' if u know what I mean ...

Well .. not any nicely stated suggestions ... but quite direct questions, comments and why nots for them ... and knowing my brash style ... it's definitely not for the faint hearted.

So who got it? PL was the 1st ... this was a hard one ... cause she got some mental blocakge in the head, where she did not want to take risks and ultimately pay cut to pursue what she REALLY wanted. Ultimately, this consulting job was not for women ... just guys pumping the facts in & in again into the head ... like a brainwash ... and did it work? Should be .. she has lept ... and now doing (hopefully) what she wants ...

JL is a classic soft hearted and nice to be bullied by idiotic and capitalistic pig bosses, so here's a guy who's in a job for 2 years without significant pay rise, despite being awarded top employee for several years ... coupled by the fact that his company give newer chicks much higher starting pay than yours truly who is actually asst. mgr now ... so after some brainwash ... he has taken some steps ... one is to start using his annual leave of 40 days ... give boss ultimatum .... go JL, go ...

Now, coming to DY ... another case ... like JL ... too loyal to company, company not rewarding him, not enough qualification to go for other things ... so, need to have review ... but ultimately, I started the ball rolling by getting him to start going for bigger things ... and pick new skills ...

There's more ... but better not state too much ... a lot of repetitive scenarios cause in the end ... we are not so unique after all, are we?

Catch u around!

An eventful week

An interesting week to return to work ...

Hard to catch up & start the engine when you had it turned off for more than a month of project work ...

Work ...
Just finished my 6 month appraisal last Friday ... everything looks good on overall (got a 36 over 40 score over 8 areas of development) except for the part where I am autonomous & direct ... so, what's new? these are things I got to work on anyway.

Also the week when I did some real searching of my direction .... and it was tough having received 3 opportunities in corporate events ... had to really think over everytime an opportunity was presented to me ... and that was hard ... like as though testing my resolve each time my decision is made. So, one opportunity to jump to another team in the company, to start a new division, to move to UK (by a competitor)

Matters of work is hard when I am passionate about things I do.

Well ... hard, but not complicated.

Spiritual ...
In my life, I always felt I had some missing component and that, I always thought was a relationship. But recently, I felt it could be simply just a stronger spiritual presence in my life. Probably I always knew this, but the problem is ... finding the right place & belief.

I guess the same approach is required as per my love life ... it cannot be ideal and there has to be compromise of ideals. As an egoist, I like to think myself as intelligent (probably IQ and not EQ) but being too smart can be fatal.

And the problem is, I am not so comfortable with some things like 'leaving my fate to god' because I am someone who has been quite independent and my advocate has always been 'if it was to be, it's up to me'. In that egoistic sphere, it's impossible for me to put god at a higher pedestal as me when god's presence in my life has not been illuminatingly ...say, omnipresent? Not totally, but for now, it's gotta take time and a lot of convincing, which some people like to term as paradigm shift.

But I am willing to give it a try because I need to live for something larger than myself. For 5 years of my life, I have spent it living on a passion & belief I felt so strongly in AIESEC, which is something I have outgrown & left already. Time for another? We shall see.

Boy, writing does take time ... and it feels good to let go of my thoughts after keeping them inside. Just one last thing in my mind ...

Rekindled?
The mind has it's funny way of playing tricks on us. It can blind us against other people like a semiconductor on electric, only to let them 'electrocute' us at the most odd times.

I know I've loved, been hurt before and promised never to be undone that way ever again. But I should have promised never to love again because then, I would not risk being undone.

Amazingly, there are people attracted to my personality (not by egoistic assumptions but extracted testimonies) despite the fact that I do have mostly an atittude problem (just some air of highness in myself), a sarcastic disposition, erratic & poor taste in clothes, and not good looks. It is a noted fact that i you don't know me, you most probably hate me, but if you do , you either reverse the angle or hate me more. But to love me? To accept me for who I am? Possible but hard.

You know, there is wisdom in saying, love only finds you when you are looking for it. And that probably hit me. Incidentally, wise men also say when you are in love, everything else comes insignificant. In fact, when you are willing to bend (not disregard, mind you) your principles, it's not very far from saying you do love someone and will compromise to bring the pact to a bind.

I am just somewhere toeing that line ...

At this stage, it's just a stage where I am trying to find out where everything stands. Work, love & spiritual.

Wish me luck!