An eventful week

An interesting week to return to work ...

Hard to catch up & start the engine when you had it turned off for more than a month of project work ...

Work ...
Just finished my 6 month appraisal last Friday ... everything looks good on overall (got a 36 over 40 score over 8 areas of development) except for the part where I am autonomous & direct ... so, what's new? these are things I got to work on anyway.

Also the week when I did some real searching of my direction .... and it was tough having received 3 opportunities in corporate events ... had to really think over everytime an opportunity was presented to me ... and that was hard ... like as though testing my resolve each time my decision is made. So, one opportunity to jump to another team in the company, to start a new division, to move to UK (by a competitor)

Matters of work is hard when I am passionate about things I do.

Well ... hard, but not complicated.

Spiritual ...
In my life, I always felt I had some missing component and that, I always thought was a relationship. But recently, I felt it could be simply just a stronger spiritual presence in my life. Probably I always knew this, but the problem is ... finding the right place & belief.

I guess the same approach is required as per my love life ... it cannot be ideal and there has to be compromise of ideals. As an egoist, I like to think myself as intelligent (probably IQ and not EQ) but being too smart can be fatal.

And the problem is, I am not so comfortable with some things like 'leaving my fate to god' because I am someone who has been quite independent and my advocate has always been 'if it was to be, it's up to me'. In that egoistic sphere, it's impossible for me to put god at a higher pedestal as me when god's presence in my life has not been illuminatingly ...say, omnipresent? Not totally, but for now, it's gotta take time and a lot of convincing, which some people like to term as paradigm shift.

But I am willing to give it a try because I need to live for something larger than myself. For 5 years of my life, I have spent it living on a passion & belief I felt so strongly in AIESEC, which is something I have outgrown & left already. Time for another? We shall see.

Boy, writing does take time ... and it feels good to let go of my thoughts after keeping them inside. Just one last thing in my mind ...

Rekindled?
The mind has it's funny way of playing tricks on us. It can blind us against other people like a semiconductor on electric, only to let them 'electrocute' us at the most odd times.

I know I've loved, been hurt before and promised never to be undone that way ever again. But I should have promised never to love again because then, I would not risk being undone.

Amazingly, there are people attracted to my personality (not by egoistic assumptions but extracted testimonies) despite the fact that I do have mostly an atittude problem (just some air of highness in myself), a sarcastic disposition, erratic & poor taste in clothes, and not good looks. It is a noted fact that i you don't know me, you most probably hate me, but if you do , you either reverse the angle or hate me more. But to love me? To accept me for who I am? Possible but hard.

You know, there is wisdom in saying, love only finds you when you are looking for it. And that probably hit me. Incidentally, wise men also say when you are in love, everything else comes insignificant. In fact, when you are willing to bend (not disregard, mind you) your principles, it's not very far from saying you do love someone and will compromise to bring the pact to a bind.

I am just somewhere toeing that line ...

At this stage, it's just a stage where I am trying to find out where everything stands. Work, love & spiritual.

Wish me luck!