Thoughts cast in time

I just revisited my old blog in xanga. Saw a nice article I wrote back then in the far flung lonely Sundays of Singapore. Just food for thought ...

Who is a true Malaysian? >>

A decade ago, this question would have easily been dismissed as an idiosyncratic rhetoric in my days of high school & ignorant bliss … but today, this is a subject I have crossed path so many times, that I have been compelled to question myself, time after time … it matters very much to me today than then, because it does prick my angst if I was wrongly mislabelled a Singaporean, Thai or Indonesian.

Soooo … what does it really mean to be Malaysian? Who can be truly & really deemed Malaysian? Is it because you have a Malaysian passport? Is it because you lived on laksa, curry, rice & other delicacies as your daily staple? Or is it just simply you have been here all your life & known nothing else but being one?

I cannot automatically class any Tan, Nik or Samy as truly Malaysian if they lived in Malaysia all their life … it’s not because they are not, but how would really know the feeling of being one? Do they have the real satisfaction that they would be here rather than anywhere else in the world? My point is, what if they were given a 2^nd chance to taste life in the blizzards of Siberia or the blazing heat of the Sahara? Who knows they might find their bliss there? In no means of accusing them a not, but more of wondering if they have chosen otherwise in optional perspective? Did they choose to be Malaysians?

A wise friend I met in Slovakia had a very interesting anecdote ... you do not really understand your country until you have seen it from the eyes of a foreigner … and it very much applies to me & a bunch of friends who have lived a part of their lives abroad. Can we relate ourselves effectively to others if we do not know how they see things or what they look for? For example, A European versus an American look for different things when they observe a Malaysian eating … so there in lies the beholder of beauty.

And so what if you have a Malaysian passport? That also does not make you Malaysian … if you have spent your whole life everywhere but Malaysia. I have a friend here in Singapore, she is Malaysian, but she studied here all her life, all her friends are Singaporeans, she works here & does not know a single bit of Malay or what it means to be Malaysian (other than the fact that Malaysians are treated as 2^nd class citizens in Singapore). Inverse to the former, this is ironically where you see Malaysians from everywhere but within.

And lastly, I think that to be Malaysian, is very much like a relationship & that means for better or for worse, we live & thrive on it. In my past 4 years, I have met diverse walks that seek internationalism, not for a journey, but as a destination … just as a jet to set forever from their homeland. Yes, I sip to the taste of Bordeaux wine; I yearn for the melting snow upon my cheeks, nothing beats Slovak beer … but I still am Malaysian.

It’s not paradise, it’s not hell either … it’s home. I accept this fact with all my heart, J

Choices. Change. Life.

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

Karen Kaiser Clark

2003 Spring - Bratislava, by the fountain 

2003 - Spring 

What the future holds?

Only heaven knows ...

1 year ago, I asked my boss ... Mr. Dossa, "So when do you think I can be promoted?", 2 months after joining. Hahaha.

At that time, I also told myself that I will focus only on study & work ... get my promotions, get my MBA and kick off anything else that comes in the way.

Of course I also told myself that I had enough of travelling, was happy to settle down for a career in KL, just keep moving on with a life. Probably get in some social circle, maybe find a partner and the rest as story books say ... lived happily ever after.

Things seemed ideal & mapped out.

However, if anyone was to dispel perfect notions against the final outcomes, I should be the 1st one. Ah, life.

Where it all started
Back in 1993, I was a nobody in school, just another average Joe, with nothing outstanding in either academic or leadership. That was the year I started a wheel in motion ... to be the top 10 best students in the school, where at that time, my position was like 103 in the school. A far shot indeed.

After spending a year in full dedication & hard work, I romped into the top 50 of the school and took people from the middle rungs by surprise with my sudden emergence. But that was undone by an weaker outcome in the government exams & they offered me an average class instead of promotion.

That was a defining moment for myself, as the school put me in the best class (despite I did not qualify for it) just to shut me off. And that was a start of a more defiant person in me & to grab all opportunities .

I took this as a challenge, offloaded all my whims and worked hard to be the best in both academic & activities. By 1995, I was the top 10 in the school and holding several positions in clubs. A transformation indeed. By the end, I graduated as among the top 5 in the school and started off my life in a government high school.

The apprentice
It was also another turning point of my life where I started my working experience by working in retail sales, where I picked up valuable and humbling experience in working for others and of course in the process, earned some well deserved cash, which was a lot for a person of my age back then. My achievements in the job was the start of many things later in my career. But it was not easy as me, a top student, having to bend to scoldings, lecturing and menial work.

Then it, was back to school ... but I worked hard, played hard ... and maintained my top ranking. So, I thought getting good grades in university entry exams would guarantee me a spot in a top course. Fate, had other ideas, which gave me abymysal results, far lower beyond my 'deserved' path.

The trials of leadership
That was another turning point of my life, as for the 1st time in years, I had a wake-up call, explored my other options and had to live shamefully in the result, which I had no idea why it was me. As all sore losers always say, why me? I said it. I was sore. Very.

In university, I got into computer science. Oh, yeah, like wow ... duh. Never really fascinated with computers, only it's games & internet. Hated my 1st class in programmming, every inch of it. Why the fuck am I in this shit hole course and crummy university?

Salvation came in an unlikely form of a student club. But not just any club, least in the way they believe and run the meetings. It was more of an MTV club, with shit loads of crazy projects, dancing, fun and interesting people (besides those malay jokers and chinese KIASUs in class).

Life never promised me anything definite in my path so far. And in AIESEC, I had my ups & downs, but in the end, I achieved more than many others which my generation has. Of course there will always be other better people, but I was satisfied because I did all I promised others to do when I was the leader and ended the career in AIESEC with a top job in HP.

And I thought, here's a good start to a sparkling career in HP. Ah, as I thought. Maybe I should just stop thinking and take life as it goes. I did well in HP (after a stumbling start) but discovered that I did not like Singapore, yearned for Malaysia and anyway, HP had nothing interesting to offer me.

Somewhere along that journey, I spent a lot of time thinking of my destiny in life. It's quite useless to plan strategies in detail after a while, because opportunities and roadblocks just appear at times when we least expect them. So rather, I set a direction a 10 year plan which is now 3 years away.

Oh, by the way, I got my promotion. I got a little restless with my job a while ago (but that feeling subsided). I got stuck in my best circle & did not activate my outer circles. For the recent times, I even thought much about moving away from KL. That's what the heart says, the head says of course otherwise.

For how long, for what and for who, are questions which will linger until opportunity or destiny knocks. And yeah, don't think ... just do it.

Lifetyle of an ENTJ

After reading the description below, I guess I was an ENTJ all my life ... my life has always been a competition, a race to be the best, to aspire for the best and never settling for 2nd place. That's the reason why that the moment I reached the peak of something, it's not a moment too soon before I start searching for something bigger, larger and ultimately, worthwhile & challenging.

Life is a trophy ... (but my friends differ & suggest I get more balance & lower my requirements, especially for a partner and also career) ... anyway, check out the analysis below ...

ENTJ children need to have goals for everything. These goals may be related to achievements such as swimming the fifty-yard freestyle on second faster than they did the previous year, getting a straight-A report card, or winning the school math contest. They seek power and control. They want to have an impact. Because of their desire to take charge, they are often leaders.

ENTJs enjoy an active and diverse lifestyle. They are likely to be in extracurricular activities and often function as the team captain, the president, or the leader. They pursue leadership roles very directly and have difficulty following others unless those individuals demonstrate more competence than they themselves have. Even then, it may be tough for the ENTJ to follow long.

ENTJs are likely to commit to a career goal early, often in their teen years. They determine their overall goals and objectives and what it will take to accomplish them. Whatever ENFJs do must make sense to them according to their logic or they have difficulty doing it.

In mature adulthood, ENTJs are often in leadership positions in their work organizations. They go after what they want with fusto. They set their sights high and work hard. Work and its related activities may become their lives. They may find retirement unsettling, boring, and difficult because it may bring with it a loss of the power that they had during their working years. Often they make arrangements so that they do not have to retire.

About me ...

Your strongest virtue is excellent enterprise where new business ventures and projects are involved. You have a very business-like mind and know well how to adapt any theory or idea for practical use. You do not have time for unimportant and trivial matters; instead you are always attracted to valuable and worthwhile aims and projects. You could be called a person of action as you do not let your plans and goals go unrealised. You quickly and easily take onboard new business proposals trying always to bring it to a satisfactory conclusion. You are an optimistic person and believe strongly in the success of every project you undertake. It is important for you to gain experience from many different fields of activity. Elements of risk do not discourage you that easily.

People of this type tend to be: friendly, strong willed, and outspoken; honest, logical and demanding of selves and others; driven to demonstrate competence; creative with a global perspective; decisive, organized, and efficient.

MBTI love analysis

Here's an MBTI analysis of myself ... the ENTJ or in a more stylo term ... field marshall ...

For the ENTJ, love needs to fit into the overall picture and may become subservient to their larger goals. Love is always within the context of what the relationship is. One ENTJ stated, "I don't allow love to course freely through my body. God forbid that it should control me rather than I control it!" Love means a match between the ENTJ's needs and what the partner provides. The loved one is, in a sense, an extension of the ENTJ's vision, preferably acting in a supportive, not competing, role. ENTJs tend to make rigorous demands of love. While they may fall in love easily, they maintain that love only if the other person is willing to accept the ENTJ's directness and need for independence.

Because attractiveness is a part of our culture and an initial standard for many relationships and because ENTJs like to do better than the standard, they particularly take note of the attractive people. The often wonder if they can 'win the heart' of the attractive other. It becomes almost a game for them.

The partner of ENTJ can expect a hard-working and industrious provider who may use the fruits of his or her labor as an expression of love. They may not be as verbally communicative of their loving feelings as others types.

ENTJs expect to have their needs met in relationships, while maintaining their independence. When the partner can no longer do that, it is logical for them to sever ties and to move on. However, when ENTJs are scorned by others, they may feel a passionate devastation and a strong sense of loss that is seldom shared with others. However, this sense of loss and gloom generally lasts only a short period before they are ready to move on.


After reading this, I feel this is SOOOOO myself ... and for a short moment I also wondered if this personality is going to break me down by staying lonely for the rest of my life? Actually, not wonder, but almost sure unless I change myself ... sigh. Can I?

Some things never change

Just some thoughts & updates from me (since the list is quiet for a while)

Yesterday, the new girl in my team resigned. That makes it 2 out of 4 whom I hired who quit. She was here barely 3 weeks. The previous one lasted 4 days.

Hahaha ... (ironic)

I remember unca lim saying before that I will always be an extremist, so probably I am.

The 2 who stayed are quite happy with the challenge I give them and don't want less. The 2 who left, directly or indirectly, mentioned they cannot work under me ... that I demand too much or they felt they not up to my standard. 2 extreme situations in the same place, same boss.

But how about them seeing that they don't take responsibility for their action? how about them not quitting and biting the bullet, work harder and improve? take up my challenges? focus on solutions, not excuses & blames? do they think I like scolding them or giving pressure? I also reward & recognize people, doesn't that count?

Isn't life about the former and not the latter? People always blame the boss or the boss blame the worker ... that's the easy way out isn't it? Can't it be simply professional, matured approached?

Ah, working life. Sigh.

some people (out of my team) gave me feedback that I was too tough on the girls, in fact saying I should not thrash them so directly. But knowing myself (& as some of you might predict), I am not too bothered cause my 1st reaction was ... if 2 can stay on, that does not make me bad, perhaps the problem was them?

But now, a thought to ponder, is it I am still the same old mean cuss?

Anyway, life goes on ... let me grab that can of Heineken ... any thoughts welcome.

Cheers! :)

Curse & blessing

If life had something of both a blessing & curse, it has to be love.

I am currently watching a Korean series ... Love story in Harvard. Of course the line is about 2 people in love, with their love journey a heartfelt series of denial, acceptance, twists & ultimately, fate as the points of separation & reunion.

There are many times in the movie where 2 souls who love each other is helpless separated; one by self denial and the other by utter confusion from the coldness of the latter. Well, it's a soap after all, isn't it, when the show tugs at your heart at moements where people almost touch, but didn't at the climax, where the 'bad guy' turns up instead? Or when the possible point of reunion is separated by the fated second or twist which made it impossible? Tragic.

So near, yet so far. Sigh. Why am I so caught up with this story? Perhaps merely the fact that the story is complexly provoking, yet interesting simply because I can relate to it.

Why do two people who love each other have to suffer so much because they try to hard to decide the best decision for each other? Love's pretty ironic in the sense that it's complexity, destroy's the simple & pure intentions behind it.

It's fascinating that people can say things they do not mean or do not know in the game of love. Or hurt people they care for most. How do they justify it? Why deny yourself & the person you love most? Was it fair to decide for the best, when it was not the best for both souls but mostly consisting of assumptions? Was it fair in Spiderman II for him to decide for MJ, when she would risk what she had for him?

But the funny thing is, it somehow always end up on the good. Spiderman got with MJ. Will it be the same for me? We'll see.

Today, someone told me that I am afraid to love because I have been hurt too much and I have given up on love. Have I? Guess I'm still picking up pieces of my heart but my journey continues, love's still the elusive treasure.

Late nights ... the last disco

Crazy weekend

parents out of town ... me home alone, so what can happen in such short period of time? Especially when I have to attend classes?

at this moment of writing, I am feeling hot, slightly flu-ish ... quite drained out after a long day and a long night from yesterday's outing.

it's been sometime since I last went out for a late night spin, let alone dance, but I did that last night and got myself totally stoned this morning ... and it does not help when I have to go out for the entire day, which meant that I did not really recuperate ... so by lunch time, I felt totally drained out with a fever looming in the distance. But imagine that I had to attend classs until 5pm.

Just crashed out at 6pm ... and just woke up at 10:30pm ... cause I think sleeping too much is crazy. So I am here, sweating it all out ... doing some routine stuff and also flushed out the discontent in my stomach

Tomorrow's another long day with class for the whole day, so praying that I can survive this round ... but the choice of subjects seem possible.

Gonna crash in a few seconds ... so just hope that I can recharge myself for the long day ahead. Ciao.

Ps. I think I'll stay away from discos for least a few years ... it's not good for me