Things I don't usually write on a blog ... (II)

Relationship. It’s quite messy in my head really … and I don’t know where to start, it’s all very complicated (of course I am the root of all this complication). To start off, let me honest … I like someone, I like her a lot. That’s the easiest part so far. And this is where this blog really begins.

As advised by my Romeo friends, me, the classic love goofball, messed everything up … they read the signals that she’s already into me … but being the temperamental idiot, geek & workaholic that I am, I dragged the relationship into the friend zone by ignoring these ‘so called signals’ … in other words, I’m self absorbed when it mattered most & missed all the right moves.

But your honour …

On the contrary, I plead to be my own defendant … and here’s my case … it’s not that I did not try to express my feelings, but each time I mustered enough courage & determination to do so, it all fizzled out in the end … she’s either not in the mood, or turns the date into some socialite evening. So yes, I may have been insensitive … but do cut me some slack too.

And it’s quite unhealthy for someone to pent up so much thoughts in & emotions inside … just lying in bed thinking of the possibilities … and in classic Shakespearean irony, love may not always bring joy, but pain inside. Honestly, 2 months ago, I don’t know where all this will lead to, but with all my work pressure & depression, I felt the last thing I needed was another reason to be sadder. Finding love’s great, but rejection? Just cannot take it man. Say a man I’m not, but I am human.

Let me recall the last time I saw her … she ignored me for most of the time … and for my entire buddies parley, I can shut them out for the single fact that she forgot & ignored me when the occasion mattered most. Its fine she forgot. But it was a limp attempt to do something, it would have been better if nothing happened. I don’t mind being forgotten, but I do mind being ignored when you put me in the spot. For all that mattered & whatever it was, it’s over. That’s 1 month ago, and I have not met or talked to her since.

4^th Sept 2006.

Oh why did you have to come back into my life? Apart from the occasional appearance on MSN, I was happy with life oblivious of whatever happens to you. (Ok, I lied, I was ‘trying’ to be happy)

I could do with a hi-and-bye, but why probe me further in the early morn? Sigh.

I’m not the same person you knew? Of course. A confused guy is of course not his normal self. It’s hard to answer you when I’m trying to wash you out of my system. When I cannot tell you how I feel, I naturally try to move on.

I liked you. I thought you liked me. But your moves confuse me. No, they confound me … I became insomniac for a long while. One moment, you give the green light, the next moment a cautionary yellow & at times, being lost with your friends glare an enlarged red light.

Blatantly, I just don’t know where I stand in your life. Too bad it’s not easy to tell you this.

But you wished to know what’s wrong with me. You offered to listen. But you see; it’s not so easy to say all that’s on my mind. From the start, we were worlds apart, our lifestyles are so different … and yes; I was attracted to you for that, there’s just so much we complement each other. But for the same distinction, I think you’d not understand or accept me. After reading all this, you should have realized that I’m just too different & complex.

I’m not worth your while. The door’s wide open … walk away while you still can …

Ps. Remember that day when I vowed to tell the person what I felt about her? I patiently waited the night for the right time, but when it was over, I realized that the time was right the whole time, only that the person was not.

(An interesting write-up ... wish it was that easy for me to express myself out unreservedly ... sigh)