My story - Rewritten ...
You know, the universe is not just about you. You’re so small, that it moves on, even if you decide not to. Shared by Lau Wei Chun (2000) with me
It’s not everyday that we make power statements, but today is the one I rewrite my story for the past 3 years.
I would like to take back my statements that previously & falsely proclaimed itself as turning points of my life … they include my move into the corporate world, my fast rise in Marcus Evans … because over the past days, it was clear that they were false dawns that blinded my vision, buttered my ego & slowly but surely broke my principles.
Shocked? Disbelief? Probably … but denial would be a more fatal & excruciating cancer, wouldn’t it?
How should I put it? Where do I start?
Addicts are the last to admit their affliction to substance. Always. Denial’s like a hole, each time we deny, we dig deeper, until one day, we discover that we’re in too deep …
I’ve dug the holes of pride & lust too deeply in my life over the past 3 years of my life. When I started off, I thought that by working for the future, I must make sacrifices & compromises … but as I see it now, they were neither sacrifices not compromises, but selling off my dreams & principles in the name of advancement, money & fame. Perhaps I’ve achieved a growth fast enough to be admired in spite of my limitations, but at this moment, I recognize it came with a cost.
I can get nostalgic about my days in AIESEC, but let’s stick to the crux … I was very happy during those days because I had dreams, big ones, not for me, but for people in my life … and I was happy to be an organization that espoused modern management & forward thinking (despite some politics), values that I associate myself closely to and mostly, that helped empower me with a strong sense of purpose for my life.
As looked back over the past 2 weeks, I WANT that feeling back; I want to be part of a larger purpose … and I want to drive change, bring value & contribute positively … surely there must be a way beyond the usual mudslinging in the coliseum of politics & real-economy that strains all relationships in the quest for wealth & more wealth.
But honestly, I’ve abandoned my dreams before & sold it off for a fast rising & lucrative world of conferences. Perhaps my initial intentions to join it was pure & for bringing impact to my clients, but the laws of employment dictate that either you fall in or out of line. And as always, a business must be profitable & for all the success, it was driven by the fact that the organization was greedy for money, but did not invest in goodwill, relationships & sustaining the network.
For a time, I was happy to relinquish strategic decisions & responsibilities; had enough from AIESEC to last me a few years & thought of making slow ascension to the corporate ladder. But even as an executive, I was a winner, being 2nd best does not register in my ethic … so my star shone in tandem with my luck. It would be most foolhardy if I brag foremost about my abilities when I had grace unfold before me. At this time, I was already swimming in the greed infested waters that drowned my head with heady pulls of materialism.
When offered the promotion in early 2005, it may seem a premature (even if warranted) reward … but as I looked back, it was more of a political move by powers to be & I was the prized pawn. Prized perhaps, but vastly overrated … and the move exposed a heavy price to be paid over the months. No winners & no survivors. Resistance? I did, but being the greenhorn in corporate politics, I was wedged into it, with grudging disapproval of the strong-arm tactics.
Reprieve was never an option. The poisoned chalice had planted a seed the moment I took the promotion … though pay increase made the move easier, but once again, my dreams & principles were bought, at a price. I thought I was too idealistic, but today, the best would perhaps be to stick with my guns. Greed won.
But he was not alone. His partnership with pride & lust wrought devastating effects on me … just that I either didn’t realize it or was too blinded by their overtures.
Putting it in perspective, I moved quickly in office & socially to the top of earnings … it drew envy, praise & admiration. For a long time, I dismissed my dreams I built in AIESEC as childish & idealistic … especially when it just doesn’t support the lifestyle my pay was giving me then. Grow up Jason! What would people think if you took a step backward? An outcast? A failed prodigy? Pride’s quite good at prepping me up for others to see, huh?
I’ve dreamt of work where I make impact & extend human synergy, but the moment pride scrapped that into junk, lust had a field day. You’re Jason the man! You belong up there with the biggies. So why should you settle for the shit you are being dished out now? I remember then that nothing was good enough for me … and what are dreams? Money’s the real thing, position & power delivers the moo-la. They go in tandem baby.
Hard to admit, but I had become a power & wealth whore. And the worst part is that by failing to recognize the declination I’ve slipped into … I had mistaken it for a take-off instead of sludge into the tar pits of extinction.
Losers always take the easy way out by casting the blame offshore. I’ve played that role & I’ve said things that should not be said, & wrote things on my blog that I should not have. I was a bad loser & I’m sorry I did not work it out better. At the end of the day, people can do all they want, they can say all they want … but it’s their freedom & at times, executive power. But, I’m vested the power to decline, which I’ve foolishly tucked into the corner of oblivion. If I were to die tomorrow, I can say that for the past 20 months, I’ve not achieved any significant progress in building a legacy of network & goodwill in my industry. If I had only been stronger. If.
This is the first part of my story which I write in September 2006. I shall share further on my mission to rediscover myself over the past weeks and hopefully later … the final part on where I’m heading.
Time’s never lost with self acceptance, refocus & drive. I have a purpose, and I shall recover it, renew it & achieve it.
posted by Jay @ 15.9.06
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