My story - Lessons from the road

PART TWO

Lessons from the road

Each year, I would take a long trip somewhere … out of my comfort box in KL … somewhere different, somewhere to excite & arouse my senses once again … and it doesn’t matter where it is … as long as sights are new, get to try new stuff … hear new things …

But this time, I just felt that it’s not going to be just any trip I’ve been taking annually … but this trip is meant to search deep within myself …

A new page …

Somehow I made the decision to go to Penang once again … it’s nothing new, but the choice came easy … mainly because of the strong connection I feel with the place … almost a spiritual home for me …

And to top it off, I was driving there … for the 1^st time I’m driving outstation for a long haul … so I’m quite happy coasting down the highway … reveling in my new experience … and at the end of the drive, I did feel quite tired … but happy … it’s a new leaf in my book … since my dad had always given 101 reasons for me not to do so … but not this time. I CAN do it!

Out of the box …

I enjoyed the simple pleasures of eating in Ipoh, Taiping, Penang … some of it my favourite haunts like Yat Sun (Taiping), Eaton Kunyit rice (Penang), Lok Fook Moon dim sum (Ipoh) and new ones like Ribs & Swatow Lane oyster (Penang)

The idea of an offbeat holiday is basically to spend the time off the normal beat … and some of it is to sleep at different times, wake up at different times, eat at a slower pace, stop to take photographs, take time to drive somewhere just to look around & take photos, going for a football match with old & new friends … and in that sense, it was very much an offbeat one. No one to rush me on what to do, not even myself … but going with the flow because in somewhere different, I don’t know much about it, I cannot predict as much as in KL …

Roaring free …

Having concluded the matters of work & career … I had the privilege to enjoy the whole trip & concentrate on having a good time … except my only task was to search for myself …

Contemplation

I invest a lot of time in myself … from taking personality tests, to asking for feedback, to self critic … I can probably describe my gifts, my skills & achievements very quickly, a CV can be delivered in 30 minutes. But in spite of all that … this egomaniac lacked something …

I felt lost for a long time. Realized my career took a downslide, but in my personal life, I had stayed status quo for a long time … perhaps it’s because I spent a lot of time & thought into my career … almost too much … but it’s not balanced.

While driving … I asked myself … what’s my destination? What do I really want? In setting my personal vision last time, I see myself as a family man … someone committed in making the best for his family … but where am I now? It’s like I detoured off to the bright lights of career city & forgot anything else.

Why? I asked myself this when driving for breakfast one morning in Penang … and I knew very well that a lot of people who cared for me moved on & found others … and I was anyway too into my job, I was afraid of losing the momentum I’d built … and was not willing to slow down for anyone. The way I saw things then, getting into relationships were detrimental to my career & I had more to lose than gain … again the problem, it’s all about myself, huh? And it was pure shortsightedness.

Every time … this just happens … and if not for something unexpected … I would have cut off someone who was getting too close for my comfort … someone I liked, but I feared would be a detrimental element to my career progression … and that’s my Achilles heel … for a long time.

I’m still in their hearts

Someone once told me the story about the son who had wasted all of his father’s fortunes, finally returned home … and instead of turning him away, he welcomed him with both arms. When asked why … he said, I’ve only lost my fortune, but I’ve not lost my son.

That’s the sign of purest relations … and I’ve not been taking the effort to keep in touch with many old friends for a long time. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve seen 2 types of friends …

One, who had not been in touch with me for a long time, was furious that I did not contact her when I was in Penang, and she go so mad, she dropped to an angry note to say she & her gang will boycott me (well, not that I was close to her & not that I am close with her group).

The others were people whom I’ve not been in constant touch, but were happy to meet up with me … and despite not being in touch, they appreciated having me around for their friend & that’s quite comforting to know … that friendship is built on the foundations of the past & present for the future …

Friends do not measure, friends do not crib … they rejoice in your success, revel in your joy and savour the beauty of life … what is life without friends?

Excruciating journey …

The morning before I departed for KL, my stomach rumbled furiously … but being an extremist, I pushed it to the limit with cold milk tea + half boiled eggs … so in a matter of time, I had severe diarrhea & vomiting … and the first time I went in, everything flushed out … it felt so terrible & it cramped all of me … I just stayed limp & as each time I just continued to pass out … it really felt like the end of the world …

Groans. Blanked out eyes. And that happened several times on the journey, stopping for an hour each …

The first time, it was so horrible, I thought I’d be better off dead … but with every additional bout, I was beginning to shrug it off … and by Ipoh, I mustered enough defiance to say out loudly … I refuse to be controlled by some sickness & I refuse to lose control & I shall get back in 2 hours …

And I did! I lasted long enough to reach home, go to toilet, bathe & crash into bed until dinner time.

In retrospection, it seemed quite funny especially that I said I’d be better off dead … but in a lighter way, perhaps it was a test of how far I could go. I had the choice of bunking over at my aunt’s in Ipoh, but the stubborn me refused to give in & I guess it’s that that got me & my sis back to KL.

As SF commented, your journey’s now complete … you’ve mental & physical cleansing … UGH! How ironic!

The unexpected …

While resting from the trip back to KL … an unexpected message came through … WY’s bro passed away. I was just lost for words when I called up … except that I’m sorry to hear that.

I thought a lot in the following day … because it’s sad that a person starting his adult life had to be taken away … but in some sense, it’s perhaps his time … his condition had been for a long time, the fight had been long for not just him but everyone in his life … and as his religion believes, he has ascended to greater heights now … in a better place.

In the long drive there, a lot of thoughts crossed my mind. Not just about him but death in general. It’s not a topic people are comfortable to talk about, but as I rediscovered in Tuesdays with Morrie, we cannot escape it …

“It’s natural to die. The fact that we make such a hullabaloo over it is all because we don’t see ourselves as part of nature. We think because we’re human, we’re something above nature.” Morris Schwartz

At the memorial service, I discovered a few important things … one was that VL (WY”s bro) was one heck of a person, there were at least 150 people present … and it’s amazing how someone at his age can touch so many lives. The other is that how much we was an inspiration to many, despite his condition, and it’s because his gift was a fighting spirit, where in fighting a battle that seemed lost for many, his life’s purpose was to remind people that they had so much more to live for … if for anyone who had known him, it would be impossible to be so self indulgent, especially when you have someone like him fighting alongside you.

It rained all the way to Ipoh & back to KL … and the skies joined in mourning of a great spirit who made a difference in so many others during his short lifetime … but how many of us can say that?

I asked myself so many times in the journey back … I’ve a good health, I’ve brains, I’ve talent, but how much of it am I really using? And using for a greater good? Am I touching lives positively? Am I doing my bit?

Have I been wasting my time?

Have I been wasting my time on negative things?

What is my pain when here's someone who's been through tougher hurdles than me & has done it?

And death can come swiftly without notice … but are we ready, I mean, am I ready to go? Have I done & given the most I could in this 28 years of my life?

And as WY said … ‘I doubt mine (memorial) would have so many people turning up’ … and while it’s worth contemplating, I hope to make amends & though it does not need to be many people, the most valuable is that people who love me the most are there. Wouldn’t ask for more.

Conclusion …

The journey bears many facets …

… who am I?

… a holistic perspective on my life & connections

… value of true friendships

… understand why I never end up in any relationship

… pure physical agony that drove me weak to my knees

… the reality of death

… how normal people fail to grasp the reality of life with death (since we don’t face it every day)