PART ONE – The sinful soul

This is a spiritual assessment of myself at this point of my life this year in 2006

As I write this … it goes with a heavy heart with my realization of where I am now. If I were to view myself simply by the 7 deadly sins, I am a great sinner, if not to others, then surely to myself. The damning self assessment, the bitter medicine at the doorstep.

The Seven Deadly Sins (http://www.deadlysins.com/sins/)

• Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
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• Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
• Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
• Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
• Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
• Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual.
• Sloth is a spiritual apathy that affected the faithful by discouraging them from their work

Guilty as charged …

I am guilty of pride, as described, excessive belief of my own beliefs and true as stated above, it was the root of the other evils that have consumed me over the past months. I had this belief that I am very capable, I can do a lot of things, I can change things, or things can change for me … it is because of pride, I for several times had not admitted my mistakes openly … it is because of pride, I have not revealed my true feelings, for the fear that I can be hurt, that I can be torn apart. So much fear arising from pride. So I am not brave at all.

And as such, it led to envy … I started eying others & what they have with a lot of jealousy, feeling that I deserve that (to some point true), but as I said, it consumed me & made me reach out aggressively for ‘my share’ of the pie. Some people had some lucky breaks over the past 1 year, & seeing them where they are, and comparing my ability, I felt that I lost out over that … but I failed to see that luck & other human factors play a part.

Gluttony … I admit that at many times, I took more than my plate can hold … I want to do everything, I want to have everything, but in the end, my face fell flat in the ground. Embarrassment is not exactly what I feel now, but perhaps ashamed of myself because I failed to draw a line for myself when it mattered most and because I wanted to surpass others, failing to remember that I am human after all, with faults, limits & weaknesses.

It is definite that I desire material wealth greatly … ever since I left AIESEC, and I just wake up thinking each day on how I can earn more & more money, & get more & more power. Such is the level of greed inside me. While I do not deny myself of spiritual discovery, I failed to create connection between my greed & spiritual needs. I was using it more as a healing source, rather than a driving force in my life. And I realize now that at this moment, at this breaking point … my greed has pushed aside the spiritual part of me … and it’s a joke cause all the time I say, just for a few years I ‘sacrifice’ to earn enough money to start my dreams in the future.

Living for the future is one thing & living in the present is another. My greed has sold my present life cheaply in the name of my future. There has been many days of my life when I just toiled past them mechanically without joy, but full of boredom, hurt, boring process & no spark … I miss the times when I woke up each day with so much empowerment of myself … with passion … belief that I can do a lot, I can change things … and I believe in what I do & that I love what I do. Not now.

Wrath. I hate a lot of things, a lot of people and at some times, I hate myself. I hate people for surpassing & being better than me. I hate others for being richer than me. I hate people for pushing me, for making my life miserable. I just wished they would die. Or just give me a gun & in a few rounds of impulse, I’ll just shoot them all to death. A quick round of satisfaction & condemnation to hell.

I confess … sloth has always been a part of me … there are many things I want to do, but there’s this apathy somewhere in me that whispers … it can wait, just chill around. But when I woke up today, when I saw something … I know that I’ve lost something I loved because sloth made me laze in unforgivable apathy … and ignoring the opportunities that has crossed my path just too many times, has finally moved on from me. I want to cry, I want to sink in depression, but my other sins, especially pride will probably keep me from doing that. But only for how long? The tears, the screaming agony will come out soon. It’s inevitable. Probably will drive miles & miles away, scream all I want …

But what else can a sinner such as myself say? What’s due is due. Is there redemption? Can I even hope for it?