When it feels right …

Life is a strange journey. While the formal education for my path so far has been mostly scientific, the unscientific part has many other forms & teachers.

I’m talking about the ‘softer’ aspects of my life, for example being around people, dealing with them, engaging them … it’s a very strange process to go through at each stage. It’s like a game, we just keep bumping our heads, sometimes starting all over again from level one & slowly going up again. For example, when we made our 1^st friend in life, how would we know if this is right friend? Even it is, how do we know how long we’ll be playing at this level with this friend? Levels change when people move, physically or mentally or socially. I’ve changed friends when I moved schools, when I work, when I change companies …

Each time we engage at a level / platform, we pick up something, perhaps a skill / perhaps a perception. All these guide what we do in the new environment. For example, if we had someone who cheated or hurt us, we would take double steps to be wary on the new encounters.

It’s impossible to calculate what a person thinks inside, we don’t even know what variables & fixed values in their daily life calculations; what can be compromised & what cannot. We can only calculate odds based on assumptions & analysis of options that they have. If we pick a skill, we can perhaps analyze, but what if we pick up perceptions?

Perceptions are a strange mix combined feelings based from experiences; they are not very solid in explanation but yet, they place strong impressions in our heads. Thus the conception of using ‘gut feelings’ … which is just the amalgam from the past.

There’s been many times in my life when I felt right about things or ideas, which guided me on my path. The strong ones were usually right but I’m thinking that perhaps it felt right because I really wanted it no matter what happens. Going to Slovakia was one of it and choosing AIESEC over studies was another. But one thing’s sure, the times when I felt weakly right about it has not always returned with strong results. It’s like … you know there’s something wrong somewhere, but you cannot pinpoint it and yet, time calls for decisions immediately … and it was the best choice at the moment, even when you know that there’s something much better that you desire or want. Among it was taking the move to the China market with Marcus Evans & the other was falling for the wrong person at either the wrong place or wrong time.

But can it be that it was wrong from the moment I had some doubts? Feelings are strange in the sense that when we feel strongly for something, we fight tooth & nail for each inch with overbearing positive ness but when we plant the seed of doubt, we constantly seek the Achilles heel of the equation? This is the strange part of feelings because it drives you to go aboard logic & the extra mile.

Perhaps it’s true, because for the half choices, I’ve went to the extent of exploring my logical paths & having done that, no one can question if I did my best (at least logically) for it. But deep down, I know that if it had that magic, that spark, that little extra … I could have worked my magic on it.

In the past months, I’ve been pushed to the limit in these tests of feelings. Been quite dormant with my true self … just been holding back to see what happens. I think it’s time to let loose the lion in me. For what I feel right & want, I should go all the way for it (screw the external factors & face failure in the eye). For what I’ve doubted, I’ve to make that choice, to fight for it all the way or just let go.

And at this moment, things feel right … least until end of 2006. Time to make it all happen.

If it’s to be, it’s up to me.